Expectations

Life is difficult. No question about it. No matter where you are in life, you have something that is hard. And to add insult to injury you have expectations to magnify the problem. Whether they are your expectations or someone else's, they are there, making everything harder.  And it's really lame. Why ruin something with the expectation of how you think it should be. OR have it ruined by what someone else thinks it should be. I can think of a few examples, a job, the mission, roommates, dating, but the ones I am specifically thinking of are engagement and marriage.

Our culture (specifically my religious culture) has given people this ridiculous expectation of  how things should be. I say culture, because there is no doctrine written ANYWHERE of how things "should" be. There is no time line to follow, no deadlines, no expiration dates on blessings. And yet every time you go to the home ward, you get those well meaning people (and I truly, honestly believe they are well meaning) who ask you how you're doing and if you're dating anyone. And when you say no, they look a little bit sad for you, and then tell you something like "you'll find him". And you're conditioned to be sad and a little disappointed right along with them.

And then (this is where I'm really going with all this) you have the societal norm along with the cultural norm, that your younger sibling shouldn't get married before you do. I've heard stories, seen movies, and witnessed first hand the pity (yes pity) people have for that older sibling who has to watch their younger sibling get married before them. Not only have you failed at accomplishing this coveted milestone, but now someone younger than you HAS accomplished it. And apparently you should also feel bad about this. And they give you their pity and ask you how you're doing. And I don't think they believe you when you say that you are fine. I understand that. How many times to we say we are fine when we really aren't? But honest to goodness, sometimes people really are fine. So don't try and tell me otherwise. Don't tell me (or anyone else) how I should feel. Don't put your expectations on me. Stop projecting how you would feel, or think you would feel, on other people. If you feel a certain way, that's fine, but it doesn't mean that I have to feel that way too. We all experience life differently.

Before I continue, I'm going to confess right here, that I'm not always fine. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes you write things like this to your aunt. "I thought about calling you this weekend, but I figured I would just cry the whole time so I decided to write instead. Still crying, but I don't have to try and talk at the same time. Lately (as I creep up on my 31st birthday and make the decision to move to the family ward) I find myself in one of two places. I'm either completely apathetic towards marriage, thinking the single life is really quite the deal and who would ever want to leave it or, as Anne Shirley would say, in the depths of despair. Wanting desperately to be married, but not having much hope that it will actually happen. Then throw in the fact that it's only a matter of time (short time if you ask me) that my sister gets married. Mostly I think I'm okay with it. He's great, she's great, I wouldn't wish being single for six more years (or more) on anyone least of all my sister, but it's still really hard. I guess I'm struggling to find a balance of being happy where I am without giving up hope for something different in the future."

My sister called me last night. I didn't think anything of it. She scolded me for not answering, I told her sorry, I was working in the temple. Sterling called me a butt, I called him a butt. Then Julie told me to be nice because that butt broke the curse. I was super confused for half a second and then it clicked. The curse. The family curse of being single. I was SOOOOO excited. Like legitimately ecstatic. I think I even jumped up and down a little as I got out of my car. 100% happy for my sister. And then the expectations crept into my little brain. Those expectations I've built up, those that others have built up, and I cried. I was honestly so happy for her. SO happy. But I was sad for me. I tried not to be, I tried to hide it, but I was already an emotional puddle having worked my last shift at the temple that night. I got off the phone with her and just cried. And called my mom and cried. UGLY cried. But I think more than anything, the emotion I was feeling was confusion. I didn't know how to feel. I was happy. But how could that be!? She is getting what I've always wanted and I'm the oldest! I should be bitter and angry and sad and jealous. And I'm not. 

I am not all of those things.  And that's what confuses me. I am sad. Expectation or not, realistic or not, I am sad. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. Always, always when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said a mom. I might tack on a teacher or a nurse, but mom was always there with it. And here I am, age 30, single, working full time, cooking dinner for one, cleaning up after roommates, trying to figure out what I want to do in life. Not married. Not a mom. And that is okay. Difficult? yes. Disappointing? absolutely. Discouraging? you bet. But the end of the world? No. Am I less of a person because I'm not married? Nope. Do I need someone to "complete" me? Nope. I'm a whole person all by myself. Would I love to have a lifelong companion to make decisions with and work through life's troubles with? duh. But my life can still be fulfilling. And I can still be happy for other people. And it doesn't diminish me or them. 

So for everyone wondering, I am okay. I'm not faking it. I am happy for my sister. I told my mom and my cousin last night and maybe even my sister, I can't remember, that I was 90% happy and 10% sad. But I don't think that's actually true. I am 100% happy. 100% happy that my sister has found a man who treats her well, loves her and is committed to living with all her craziness for the rest of forever. 100% happy that I get a brother in law I like. 100% happy that sooner rather than later I will be an aunt. Am I 10% sad? yes. Will I have bad days? I'm sure. But I'm determined not to let expectations, mine or those of others, steal my joy. 

Sissy Pie, I love you so much and I'm so happy for you!

Changes

This week will be my last week working at the Provo temple. It's closing for two weeks for it's biannual cleaning and I am being released, since I will be in the new temple district. It's very bittersweet. I have worked in the that temple for almost 3 years. While not the most beautiful temple on the outside, it is so beautiful on the inside and will always hold a very special place in my heart. I have learned so much in my time as a temple worker. I don't know what I'm going to do with my free Thursday nights! Probably go to the temple. ;) Standing in initiatory last week, the power of what I was doing really hit me. It was overwhelming. The ordinance itself is quite profound and then to think that I was pronouncing those blessings on someone else with the authority I had been given by the temple president. It was really just so great. What a blessing the temple has been and continues to be in my life.

I also quit my second job at the fabric store which has freed up my nights. I will be moving to a new house in a couple weeks. Not a huge change, since it's just down the street, but a change none the less. I will also be moving the family ward in January. When you can't control the things you really want to change, you change all the other things that you can. Hopefully it brings new life and progress. I'm excited for a new year and new adventures.

Day 22 Para toda la vida

Spain- Espana

Siempre tendre un lugar en mi corazon por Espana y la gente que conoci alli. La mision, por lo mal o lo bien, cambia tu vida. Nunca tenia tantas dificultades con tanta gozo. Aprendiendo un indioma nuevo, viviendo en un pais nuevo, hablando con desconocidos, viviendo con una companera 24/7. Tiene cada emocion, normalmente en un dia. Y tanta como quieres la comida, la cultura, la paisaje, el clima, y la iluminación espiritual, lo que realmente quieres son la gente. Las personas que pasa por la calle, las con quien hable enfrente la tienda, los que ensene, los que te ensene, los investigadores, los companeros, sus vesinos y los miembros.

A todos los miembros, investigadores, desconocidos y companeras en Espana, os quiero. Gracias por dar me la oportunidad de venir a conocer a Jesu Cristo mediante conociendo a vosotros. Especialmente a Josi, Maria Luz, Napoleon, Solomon y Rocio, gracias por permetiendome compartir el testimonio mio. Y a todos, sus testimonios me fortalecieron. Tu bondad me levantó. Os echo de menos. Os quiero para toda la vida!

I will forever have  a place in my heart for Spain and the people I met there. A mission, whether you love it or hate it, changes your life. I have never had such a difficult time with so much joy. Learning a new language, living in a foreign country, talking to strangers, living with a companion 24/7. You experience every emotion, usually in the same day. And as much as you love the food, the culture, the scenery, the weather, the spiritual enlightenment, what you love the most is the people. The people you pass on the street, the ones you stop to talk to on a bench outside the store, the ones you teach, the ones who teach you, the investigators, the companions, the neighbors and the members.

To all the members, investigators, strangers and companions in Spain, I love you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come to know Christ through knowing you. Especially to Josi, Maria Luz, Napoleon, Solomon and Rocio, thank you for letting me share my testimony with you. And to everyone, your testimonies strengthened me. Your goodness lifted me. I miss you. I love you.

Day 21 Kristin

Kristin

The last roommate to have joined our house. She is wise beyond her years. Her love for Harry Potter rivals even that of Alyson and there have been many times I have overheard her talking to someone about Harry Potter and the things she says just crack me up. She is very goal oriented and detailed. Her aspirations in life are very humbling to me. She loves all things Avatar, Korra and Cupbop. I don't have any pictures with her but this roommate picture will do. I'm so glad to call her friend.

Day 20 Alyson

Alyson

This girl here is quite the writer. She is plugging along through school, teaching students like a pro, sticking to her guns and giving us a laugh every now and then with the profound words of her students. Logical and emotional appeals. Its a real thing. She loves to laugh. She is my Spain buddy and I love that we can talk about all things Spain and never get tired of it. Her love of Harry Potter never ceases to make me laugh. Her love for her family is something to be admired, as is her love for oreos. ;) I'm grateful for that she didn't make me feel like an idiot when I almost burned the house down. She leads the music in Sacrament meeting like a boss and hasn't tripped on the way up yet! Thanks for being a Darth Vader Hermione to go with my Storm Trooper bumblebee. 

Day 19 Brenda

Brenda

 Here's a girl who has cost me a lot of sleep. From laying on my floor late at night talking to getting me to run two Ragnars with her and getting me hooked so that I ran in two others. She loves to be with people and she forced me to break out of my comfort zone and go to many an activity that I probably wouldn't have gone to on my own. I'm grateful for that, as I will now go to things by myself. She is SO smart and great cheerleader. She wants everyone to be successful in whatever they are doing and will help anyway she can. She is very determined and pretty much a Jack of all trades. One day I hope we take our awesome trip to see the world. Thanks for pushing me and encouraging me Brenda. Miss your face!

Day 18 Jamee

Jamee

Here's a girl who is tough as nails. She has been through a lot in her life and is that much stronger for it. She is an example of resilience and unconditional love. We have definitely had our rough spots and we definitely don't see eye to eye on many things, but I know she always has my back and will be there no matter what. She loves her family and will defend them fiercely. I hope she can see the influence she has on people and recognizes the power she has for good in her own life as well as in the lives of others. Jamee Suzanne Marie Lou Sue Lynn, I love you!

Day 17 Nick

Nick

Sometimes you meet friends in the most unlikely places. And sometimes they are just what you need. Nick has helped me see my faults, but hasn't held them against me. He has listened to me complain endlessly, listened to me talk about fabric more than any man should have to and has given me the chance to change for the better. You can never have too many friends who really care for you, and I'm glad to count him as my friend.

Day 16 Bishop Larsen

Bishop Larsen

I don't recall ever having a bishop who loves the members of his ward as much as Bishop Larsen. He truly cares about who you are and what you are going through and it radiates from him. He is always so sincere in what he says. I will never look at a seed or hear a seed reference without thinking of him. He is a true example of Christlike love. He has been a blessing to me personally and to my singles ward. Thank you for your love for God and your love for me.

Day 15 Denae

Denae

Every missionary should have a companion that they just love. Hopefully they are lucky enough to have a few great ones, like I did, but I'm talking about that companion who just gets you. You not only get along and work well together, but you have fun together and you don't find yourself constantly wishing you could just be by yourself. Denae was that companion for me. She worked hard and she played hard. She encouraged me but got it when you had those really crappy days. She set the bar high for the rest of my companions. :) Her testimony was and is a beacon to me.

She is one of the most creative and dedicated people I know. She has talent coming out her ears and she shares it with those around her. She has let me into her life and the life of her little family and I love it. Not that she has much choice, I was quite instrumental in the forming of that family. ;) But all kidding aside, I love her for the companion she was to me and for the friend she is to me now. Cheesehead, te quiero!

Day 14 Aubrey

Aubrey

You hear stories of college roommates that become best friends for life. I definitely had dreams of finding a kindred spirit in college and while I had some great roommates I didn't have any that fit the bill for the bosom friend I had been dreaming of. Lucky for me I had media services. Probably one of my favorite jobs I've ever had. I worked with good people there, made some great memories, and I made new friends. Most of them are like the majority of my friends, good people, who I like to read about on Facebook, but who I'm not likely to get together with when we're in the same town, probably won't send them a birthday card and really they're mostly just acquaintances now. But then there is Aubrey. For whatever reason, our friendship stuck. She was the kindred spirit I was hoping for as I embarked on the college adventure.

We've been on trips together, lived in Alaska together, made music videos together. We go to activities together, we chat about life and I just think she's the greatest. Aubrey is one of the funnest people I know. She loves to try new things and go new places. She is so outgoing and I often wish that I had even half the flirting skills that she has. We have laughed together and cried together and I'm so grateful she has stuck with me the last 12 years. College was good to me, if for no other reason than the fact that I got Aubrey as a friend.

Day 13 Camille

Camille

For a girl who was never my actual mission companion, this girl taught me so much and continues to do so. From my very first day in the mission, we were connected. I didn't see that until 6 months later, but as I took her spot in the Canary Islands and was greeted by a welcome card from a sister I had never met, I knew, she was something special. That was confirmed to me as I listened to members and investigators alike talk about Hermana Johnson. And then I got to meet her. We were put in the same house. She was whitewash training (which would be my next lot in life) and I was trying to figure out how to be the senior companion in an area I didn't know.

She taught me so much about myself. About letting myself change. She was everyone's biggest cheerleader and continues to be. She can make any person feel like they are the most important person. She faces life with an enthusiasm that makes me tired just watching. She loves God and she loves his children. I saw it in Spain and I continue to see it as she lives her life daily reaching out to those around her.

It should be noted that we are drinking Sprite

 

Day 12 Mission

Mission People (specifically fellow missionaries)

This is much broader than the rest. I had the opportunity to have dinner with an elder from my mission and his wife and their little baby. It was so great to catch up with them and just enjoy time together. For me it wasn't awkward at all, even though I haven't seen this elder in such a long time. Another elder sent me a text the other day, just saying hi and asking how I was doing.

I learned so much from the other missionaries I got to interact with. From mission companions, to district and zone leaders, to the mission president and his wife, I was blessed to meet truly inspiring people who love God. I have so many fond memories and great friendships from my 18 months in Spain. Friendships that are based on something so tender and yet so difficult, that even though I don't see them much, are still strong because of the foundation they are built on. Service to Jesus Christ and his church is a bond that's hard to break, even with time and distance.

Day 11 Deb and Rebecca

Deb and Rebecca

Two of the best visiting teachers I have ever had. These girls love me. How do I know this? Because they showed me, more than once a month, as they visited me and gave lessons that were so individualized to me. They asked me where I was struggling and gave me support and encouragement. They are stellar ladies and I just love them.

This was the picture I could find of the two of them on facebook. Jason gets to be a guest of the post I guess.

Day 10 David

David

Here's a cool kid. My youngest brother David has a heart of gold. He may be one of the most stubborn people I've ever met, but he's also one of the kindest people I know. If he's going to do something, he's going to do it on his own terms. He's come a long way in his life and I am so proud of him for his determination. He is a hard worker and very giving. Look at him carrying me because I wore stupid shoes. :) He gets a lot of crap from a lot of people, but honestly you really can't find a better guy. I sure do love this kid. 

Day 9 Chelsea

Chelsea

I think Chelsea is the longest roommate I've had. Probably ever, outside my family of course. She is one of the most amazing women I know. She has one of the most difficult jobs I can think of (I probably wouldn't even know of such a job if I didn't know her) and she does it like a boss. I think she might be the most spiritual person I know, without ever coming across as preachy or better or anything. She has great taste in clothes and lucky for me, doesn't mind letting me borrow things every now and then. This picture is a great example, as the shirt I'm wearing is hers (although it could be Brenda's).
She is an inspiration in her dedication to her workouts and temple attendance. She karaoke's like nobody's business and her cinnamon blondies are out of this world delicious. Pretty much anything she makes is straight out of heaven.
This morning she let me use her computer at the last minute and basically saved my life. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything she can't do. Chelsea, you're the best and I love you!!

Day 8 Dana

Dana

Another life long friend. Two little second graders living down the street from each other. Torn apart in Jr. High, but determined to beat the odds and stay friends. Kinda sounds like a movie promo or TV drama. :) Now here we are 22 years from when we met and 16 years from that fateful day in Jr. High, still the best of friends. This girl can make me laugh like no one else, except maybe my sister. She is a beautiful example of a strong, dedicated woman. She had to be to survive growing up with 5 brothers. There are those friends in life who really are a perfect gift sent from God. She's in that category. 

Day 7 Kevin

Kevin
Here's a dude who knows all my buttons and loves to push them. The two of us have definitely had our ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade this kid for anyone. He is a hard worker and has a big heart. He kept me going at the beginning of my mission when I was struggling and helped me get along better with the Elders in my mission. I knew they were just like my brother, out there doing a really hard thing, far from home, probably the first time away from home, just trying their best. His letters to me brightened my days and helped me keep hope when I thought all my hope was gone. He's a funny kid and we might not always see eye to eye, but I love him. Kemen, my little Kevie, want to pool our money and open a bank account together? ;)

Day 6 Richard

Richard

Sometimes God wants to make sure you find certain people in your life and so he makes you family.  Then there's no chance that you'll miss them. The Walker's are proof of this. You can only have so many siblings, so for good measure you get cousins too.

Richard has long been one of my favorite cousins. It's no secret. Fed by his introduction of feeding my stupid fish and giving me the nickname of Parissa we have become quite the pair. While he may not have loved coming to school in Provo, I loved having him here. The knowledge that I had family so close was very comforting to me. The dinners we had together, the football games we braved together, the many, many fish things I own, the Disneyland adventure and many others, will be cherished memories.

He has always been an example to me of a faithful man of God. I sure am glad that we ended up in the same family. Love you Rick!