Expectations

Life is difficult. No question about it. No matter where you are in life, you have something that is hard. And to add insult to injury you have expectations to magnify the problem. Whether they are your expectations or someone else's, they are there, making everything harder.  And it's really lame. Why ruin something with the expectation of how you think it should be. OR have it ruined by what someone else thinks it should be. I can think of a few examples, a job, the mission, roommates, dating, but the ones I am specifically thinking of are engagement and marriage.

Our culture (specifically my religious culture) has given people this ridiculous expectation of  how things should be. I say culture, because there is no doctrine written ANYWHERE of how things "should" be. There is no time line to follow, no deadlines, no expiration dates on blessings. And yet every time you go to the home ward, you get those well meaning people (and I truly, honestly believe they are well meaning) who ask you how you're doing and if you're dating anyone. And when you say no, they look a little bit sad for you, and then tell you something like "you'll find him". And you're conditioned to be sad and a little disappointed right along with them.

And then (this is where I'm really going with all this) you have the societal norm along with the cultural norm, that your younger sibling shouldn't get married before you do. I've heard stories, seen movies, and witnessed first hand the pity (yes pity) people have for that older sibling who has to watch their younger sibling get married before them. Not only have you failed at accomplishing this coveted milestone, but now someone younger than you HAS accomplished it. And apparently you should also feel bad about this. And they give you their pity and ask you how you're doing. And I don't think they believe you when you say that you are fine. I understand that. How many times to we say we are fine when we really aren't? But honest to goodness, sometimes people really are fine. So don't try and tell me otherwise. Don't tell me (or anyone else) how I should feel. Don't put your expectations on me. Stop projecting how you would feel, or think you would feel, on other people. If you feel a certain way, that's fine, but it doesn't mean that I have to feel that way too. We all experience life differently.

Before I continue, I'm going to confess right here, that I'm not always fine. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes you write things like this to your aunt. "I thought about calling you this weekend, but I figured I would just cry the whole time so I decided to write instead. Still crying, but I don't have to try and talk at the same time. Lately (as I creep up on my 31st birthday and make the decision to move to the family ward) I find myself in one of two places. I'm either completely apathetic towards marriage, thinking the single life is really quite the deal and who would ever want to leave it or, as Anne Shirley would say, in the depths of despair. Wanting desperately to be married, but not having much hope that it will actually happen. Then throw in the fact that it's only a matter of time (short time if you ask me) that my sister gets married. Mostly I think I'm okay with it. He's great, she's great, I wouldn't wish being single for six more years (or more) on anyone least of all my sister, but it's still really hard. I guess I'm struggling to find a balance of being happy where I am without giving up hope for something different in the future."

My sister called me last night. I didn't think anything of it. She scolded me for not answering, I told her sorry, I was working in the temple. Sterling called me a butt, I called him a butt. Then Julie told me to be nice because that butt broke the curse. I was super confused for half a second and then it clicked. The curse. The family curse of being single. I was SOOOOO excited. Like legitimately ecstatic. I think I even jumped up and down a little as I got out of my car. 100% happy for my sister. And then the expectations crept into my little brain. Those expectations I've built up, those that others have built up, and I cried. I was honestly so happy for her. SO happy. But I was sad for me. I tried not to be, I tried to hide it, but I was already an emotional puddle having worked my last shift at the temple that night. I got off the phone with her and just cried. And called my mom and cried. UGLY cried. But I think more than anything, the emotion I was feeling was confusion. I didn't know how to feel. I was happy. But how could that be!? She is getting what I've always wanted and I'm the oldest! I should be bitter and angry and sad and jealous. And I'm not. 

I am not all of those things.  And that's what confuses me. I am sad. Expectation or not, realistic or not, I am sad. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. Always, always when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said a mom. I might tack on a teacher or a nurse, but mom was always there with it. And here I am, age 30, single, working full time, cooking dinner for one, cleaning up after roommates, trying to figure out what I want to do in life. Not married. Not a mom. And that is okay. Difficult? yes. Disappointing? absolutely. Discouraging? you bet. But the end of the world? No. Am I less of a person because I'm not married? Nope. Do I need someone to "complete" me? Nope. I'm a whole person all by myself. Would I love to have a lifelong companion to make decisions with and work through life's troubles with? duh. But my life can still be fulfilling. And I can still be happy for other people. And it doesn't diminish me or them. 

So for everyone wondering, I am okay. I'm not faking it. I am happy for my sister. I told my mom and my cousin last night and maybe even my sister, I can't remember, that I was 90% happy and 10% sad. But I don't think that's actually true. I am 100% happy. 100% happy that my sister has found a man who treats her well, loves her and is committed to living with all her craziness for the rest of forever. 100% happy that I get a brother in law I like. 100% happy that sooner rather than later I will be an aunt. Am I 10% sad? yes. Will I have bad days? I'm sure. But I'm determined not to let expectations, mine or those of others, steal my joy. 

Sissy Pie, I love you so much and I'm so happy for you!

Changes

This week will be my last week working at the Provo temple. It's closing for two weeks for it's biannual cleaning and I am being released, since I will be in the new temple district. It's very bittersweet. I have worked in the that temple for almost 3 years. While not the most beautiful temple on the outside, it is so beautiful on the inside and will always hold a very special place in my heart. I have learned so much in my time as a temple worker. I don't know what I'm going to do with my free Thursday nights! Probably go to the temple. ;) Standing in initiatory last week, the power of what I was doing really hit me. It was overwhelming. The ordinance itself is quite profound and then to think that I was pronouncing those blessings on someone else with the authority I had been given by the temple president. It was really just so great. What a blessing the temple has been and continues to be in my life.

I also quit my second job at the fabric store which has freed up my nights. I will be moving to a new house in a couple weeks. Not a huge change, since it's just down the street, but a change none the less. I will also be moving the family ward in January. When you can't control the things you really want to change, you change all the other things that you can. Hopefully it brings new life and progress. I'm excited for a new year and new adventures.