A lift from the Philippines

I should probably keep my drama to myself and only write my sister about uplifting happy things, but I don't. I write her about my life and I may complain about dating and marriage sometimes. It happens. This reply I got from her made me smile. She's so great. My perfect man is just lost in transit and will arrive at the perfect time. 

 

This is her letter:

I like to think of you like Elaine S. Dalton..... She's a babe!!! But.... she was like 36 before she was married.... I don't know if she was a weirdy or anything..... but I don't feel like people that are weird make it to where she has. I got a package in the mail from Cache the other day.... If I had gotten it any sooner I wouldn't have appreciated it, but seeing as how my week was crap, my companionship was crap, I felt like crap and then at the exact right timing I got a package from him, even though he sent it to me FOREVER ago!!!! Heavenly Father has already sent you the perfect man..... he's just waiting for the right time for him to arrive so that everything else can fall into place..... like me being back in time to attend your wedding:)

 

I love your guts sister!!!

Where is my will?

This week was a little rough. I might have had a breakdown on Wednesday. I was overdue for one. Cried it out, got a hug, had a good laugh, went running, life was good. But as I got to pondering why I had the breakdown in the first place I realized that I need to change something. First thing, don't get too invested too quickly, but after that, I realized I need to figure out where my will is. Friday night at the temple the scripture minute was Doctrine and Covenants 6:36. This was one of my themes on the mission. I sometimes struggle to look to the Lord in all things. I doubt. I fear.

This morning I read Elder Bednar's talk "That We Might "Not Shrink", because maybe my problem isn't that I don't have the faith to "be healed" or that the Lord can do something, but my problem is that I don't have the faith for him to NOT do it. Just because he can, doesn't mean that it's part of his plan and for me that's harder to accept.

"But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve."

I am fighting this battle with the natural man. I demand impatiently the blessings I want, think I deserve and know the Lord could grant. But that is not how it works. I have to allow my will to be swallowed up in the Lord's will. I have to accept what he gives me and sometimes that includes what he chooses not to give me. I may think I know best, and I know what the possibilities are, but I have to come to grips with the fact that sometimes, the test is to accept what doesn't happen.

So I'm working on aligning my will with the Lord's. I'm sure it will be a long trip filled with relapse and relearning the same lesson again and again. Good thing the Lord is endlessly patient with me.

Something to remember

D&C 6:36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
Deuteronomy 1:21 Fear not, neither be discouraged.
Mark 5:36 Be not afraid, only believe.

Note to self: Remember these. 

Lord, I believe

I'm sure this will be a jumble of thoughts.

Wednesday in Institute we studied Elder Hollands talk from this past April Conference titled Lord, I Believe. You can read or listen to it here.
The teacher had us think about the mountains in our lives that we have to climb or "move", the faith it takes to do so, and the things that get in our way. Elder Holland talks about not leading with our unbelief. Don't focus on what you don't have or what you can't do. Look at what you have and start there.
The application I took out of this was attitude. My attitude. How do I see my situation? How do I see the people around me? Where is my focus?
At Institute I was thinking I didn't really even have mountains. Duh we all have mountains. God will humble you and help give you clarity. He's very considerate that way. As I have thought about my attitude and how it can lift me up or bring me down, I've been trying to be more positive, both about my situations and about the people around me. This has proven to be very difficult and I'm definitely being put to the test and sad to say, I've found myself trying to justify it.

My friend posted this video on facebook last night. Just when I was beating myself up a little for having failed in loving a certain person and it really helped me recommit. It's up to me. I choose how to react and although it's difficult and can feel like my situation controls my emotions, it's really me and I can pray for help. I can take where I am and move forward.
There are always at least two ways to see people and situations. It's up to me what I choose. I can let them bug me and hate them and be miserable, or I can remember that they are a child of God and I have no control over how they act or what they do and that's okay.I can see my situation acting on me or I can see it as an opportunity to trust God and act and see what I can learn and how I can grow.
I just have to keep smiling, keep praying, and keep using the faith I do have to move forward.
Lord, I believe. 

Ragnar 2013

Ragnar. It was hard. Trail running is not for sissies. Pretty sure my training was far far far from what it should have been. They should have told us we needed to find a beach, that's also a hill a mile high and just run up it a million times. Anyway, we planned to leave Friday morning at 8. We may have left not on time and then we stopped for lunch longer than we should have.

We were suppose to be there at 12:30 to check in and our start time was 2:30. We pulled in to park the truck at about 1:30 and then we had to wait for a tram to pick us up and ALL OF OUR CRAP and take us to the campground.

Charlie was our first runner, so we finally got all our stuff sent Charlie to the start line and he barely had time to ask for a wrist band when they started our heat. Off he went on the green trail. 3.5 miles. I was up next so I grabbed my running gear and headed for the bathroom while everyone else transported our stuff to our camp site. Darn! I wasn't there to help carry it all. I wasn't ready very long before I had to get to the start/finish line and wait for Charlie to come in for my leg of the race. He made good time and handed the timing chip off to me and then I was off to the yellow trail. 3 p.m.  4 miles. 83 degrees. gained 400 feet in a mile. That's about the same incline that stairs have. And I didn't drink much water before I got there and didn't take any with me. FAIL. Needless to say the yellow trail was my least favorite. I pretty much hated it a whole bunch. Didn't make awful time, all things considered, handed off to Kyna for the red trail and then went to camp to find some fluid. After I got some Gatorade and water I felt pretty darn good.
Camp was an interesting site. Just lots and lots and lots of tents everywhere.

We had three tents tucked in with a whole bunch of other people. We'd wait a round for a while until we got to the estimated time we thought the runner would be coming in and then we'd walk over to cheer them on as they came to the finish. I didn't run my next leg of the race until 11:00 p.m. I had the green trail. 3.5 miles in the nice cool darkness. I had a head lamp, but I didn't love it. There was a full moon and for most of it, that was enough. I had a couple stumbles, but didn't actually go down until around mile 2.5 on a very flat road of soft sand, I didn't see a little rock, tripped and ended up on my back staring up at the moon. After laying there for a few seconds, I got up and continued on. I kind of wish someone on my team had been there to witness it. I thought it was hilarious and I'm sure they would have enjoyed it as well. Ran the last half mile, up those lame sauce switch backs that every trail ended in, like a boss and finished in pretty good time. LOVED the green trail. Went to camp, changed my clothes, ate a granola bar and went to bed. Probably not my greatest plan, but I was tired.
Woke up around 6-ish and got ready for my last leg of the race. The long red trail, 7.5 miles. Cheered Charlie in as he finished his last leg and then left on mine with the sun just starting to peak over the horizon. The temps were awesome and the trail was beautiful. Our team volunteer was at the water station and it was great to have someone I knew cheering for me AND give me some food since I failed to eat anything and was super hungry. Came in somewhat strong and got some food first thing. Took it right out of my teammates hand. It felt so good to be done! Back to camp to eat and sit around, getting up occasionally to go cheer a teammate on as they came in. Poor Brenda and Jarom. They had the worst times for running. They both had to run their first two in the dark and their last one in the heat. :/ They ran it like champs though. I had it pretty good, all things considered.
I started getting pretty sore after that and headed to get a massage. That helped a bit, but it wasn't too good. We all put on our awesome shirts we made and went to wait for Jarom to come in for the team finish. We all ran in together and were just so happy to be finished.

Dinner that night was entertaining. We were all so tired we were saying all kinds of crazy things. Brenda was really struggling to put a sentence together and we all laughed pretty hard. The burgers were also ENORMOUS and it was quite the sight to watch us try and eat them.

I slept really good Saturday night. The only hitch was my 1:30 wake up for the bathroom and then when I got back to the tent I found out that the guy in the tent next to us snores. REALLY LOUD. Puts my dad's snoring to shame. I had to dig around in my stuff to find some ear plugs so I could actually go back to sleep.
My legs felt better Sunday morning. I got up and got ready and then we packed up camp and headed out.

We made it to church just outside of Zion National Park and then we went and hiked around a bit in the park.

It was a great trip and a fun race and I'd definitely do it again.I had a great team and we made some fun memories. Our inside jokes give me a good laugh at random times throughout the day and I'm grateful for the new friends I made.

Happy in the temple

Tonight was a great night in the temple. With summer coming Friday nights in the temple are getting harder, with people out playing and me feeling out of the loop, but tonight was great.

I'm just so grateful for the opportunity to serve in the house of the Lord. In the session I was in tonight, there was a girl receiving her own endowment and I was seated at the front so I got to watch everyone instead of watch the movie. I liked to watch this girl who was there for the first time. She had a pretty expressive face and you could see the joy on her face, the confusion sometimes, the worry she wouldn't remember or do something right, and the peace. I love to sit and see all these people and just think about how much God loves them. It's a great experience.

I waited around for the last round a veils even though they said they had enough people and I could go home. I only helped one lady at the veil, but she smiled at me and said thank you and as she started to go through she said "You are very pretty". Sometimes it's great to have a perfect stranger tell you something nice. You know they don't feel like they "have" to tell you that. It's not likely they will see you again, they just genuinely want you to know. Then as I was going to the locker room to change on of the temple workers started to chat and asked if my husband worked in the temple as well. I told her I was single as could be and she said "I find that hard to believe". Again, not really a person who would feel like she "has to" say something nice. Maybe they were just being nice, but it still made my night.

AND LAST NIGHT! We had ward temple night which is always fun, but as I was waiting at name issue for some girls from the ward, I saw Ashley, our beautiful Relief Society President and one of the girls I visit teach and she was so happy to see me! Made me feel like a valued person. I know I have friends and that they care about me, but her excitement to see me caught me off guard and warmed my heart.

Life is good. God is good. Happy as can be.

How do we say goodbye?

How do we say goodbye when we never want it to end?
Why can't we just pretend there'll never be a goodbye or farewell my friend, why must this be the end?
One day we'll meet again, till then we say goodbye.
These are the words to a song our Swing Choir always sang at the end of their shows. When I was a Senior I cried my eyes out while they sang it.
I don't like goodbyes. They are sad. I just don't like them. I discovered this weekend that I don't even like to watch other people say goodbye.
Now I'm not talking, I'm saying goodbye to my family when I leave after I've been visiting. Sometimes it can be a little sad and depending on the circumstances I might shed a tear, but in general I'm okay after a weekend with the family.
I'm talking goodbye's to people you have a good chance of never seeing again. It happened a lot on the mission. You're in an area you build relationships with members and investigators and then you get transferred. It's a part of the mission, a part of life, but that doesn't really make it easier.
I was in my first area for 5 transfers. 5 transfers! That's a long time. Especially for a sister (although not as long as some sisters I know). We got transfer calls on Saturday night and I didn't tell anyone at church I was being transferred. Then on Monday night I found out we wouldn't be having FHE with my favorite members and recent converts Fabian and Jacqueline because they had gone out of town. I had to tell them goodbye over the phone. I think that was an even worse goodbye.

Noche de Hogar (FHE) with Fabian and Jacqueline 2007

Now, five and a half years later, they are here in the United States for a visit. If I thought that goodbye in the Canary Islands was tough, it was nothing compared to the goodbye I had Friday night. Basically I was a walking puddle of emotions. To see them here, to go to the temple with them and to be able to interact with them now that I can actually speak their language was a blessing I never could have imagined and then to have to say goodbye, well, you might as well just rip out my heart and stomp on it a little.

I was not "their" missionary, but they have a special place in my heart. What a blessing it was for me to serve a mission and to get to know so many wonderful people; members, investigators, and missionaries alike. They are some of the best friends I have.

Noche de Hogar (FHE) with Fabian and Jacqueline 2013

Until we meet again, I love you Fabian and Jacqueline!