Hiking thoughts

I went hiking with some friends last night. At the top my one friend said something about foreordination and that we are foreordained to make dumb decisions (basically). Her sister and I disagreed with her and then we just let it be. It's been bugging me today. As I drove to work I thought about it and I think she's got her definitions crossed somewhere. Her argument was that God knows what we are going to choose. True. But the way she was making it sound was that we are destined to make poor choices and there is nothing we can do about it. We are foreordained to be who we are. I think it was the foreordained that bugged me. As I thought about that word this morning I thought about what ordain means and how we use it in the church. We ordain men to the priesthood. They are called and set apart and given those responsibilities. I figured that to foreordain would mean to set someone apart for something great, like we set them apart for the priesthood. Why would got set us apart to make crappy choices? It just didn't add up to me. So I looked up foreordination when I got to work this morning.
"In the premortal spirit world, God appointed certain spirits to fulfill specific missions during their mortal lives. This is called foreordination. Foreordination does not guarantee that individuals will receive certain callings or responsibilities. Such opportunities come in this life as a result of the righteous exercise of agency, just as foreordination came as a result of righteousness in the premortal existence."

"The doctrine of foreordination applies to all members of the Church, not just to the Savior and His prophets. Before the creation of the earth, faithful women were given certain responsibilities and faithful men were foreordained to certain priesthood duties. As people prove themselves worthy, they will be given opportunities to fulfill the assignments they then received."

lds.org

Just because we are foreordained to something, doesn't mean it's going to happen. We still have our agency. As we were discussing it, it just sounded too much like "I have no choice, I can't help it, God already knows what I'm going to do". Seems like a cop-out to me.

I'm going to continue to study this, but I'm feeling better about my initial thoughts on the discussion. Our choices to matter.

Looking for answers

To follow up on my post from yesterday about looking for trouble, as I said my prayers last night I prayed that whatever message my visiting teachers shared this morning would help me feel better. This month the visiting teaching message isn't assigned, since it's from the Conference Ensign so they could have chosen anything. They chose one of my favorite talks by President Uchtdorf. I actually listened to it yesterday morning as I was getting ready, but this morning it brought a new message to sooth my aching soul. As a follow up to the discussion we were having they also shared a bit from a talk Elder Bednar gave a few years ago. Both messages were an answer to my simple prayer last night. If I only remember to look for answers, I will find them. Or they will find me. :)

You can read or listen to President Uchtdorf's talk here and Elder Bednar's talk here

"Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities." Elder Bednar 

Looking for trouble

I think it's human nature to look for trouble. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself to try and feel better about this day and the choices I make sometimes. It is amazing to me how I can take a good day, a known situation and some crazy emotions and spin quite the tail and make myself miserable. I sometimes wonder if I don't subconsciously like being miserable. I attended a sealing this morning in the Salt Lake temple for my friend. It was beautiful and so happy. She's a few years older than I am and I've watched from the very beginning of their relationship and it was so great to be there to witness the beginning of their eternal journey together. Right after their sealing I walked over to the Tabernacle for my friend's Organ Recital. It was filled with fun music. I stayed after and watched him interact with people and was going to go and say hi, but then he turned and left. As I drove home I found myself and my crazy emotions throwing a huge pity party. A day filled with so much happiness in the wedding of my friend and the musical success of my friend, turned into all the things I don't have and will never have (I tell myself lots of lies at pity parties) and continued throughout the rest of the day; until right now, as I sit in my bed at 9 p.m. having accomplished close to nothing today.
Why do I do this to myself? This day had so much potential for good and I killed it. I let myself go into a downward spiral. Luckily tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it. Yet. :)

Breathe

Or maybe a bad week or two. Sometimes it's a struggle to just get up in the morning. To get dressed. To drive to work. To be nice to people. To fulfill your responsibilities. There are so many things you want to do, but only so much time. So many people you want to help, but only so much you can do. And sometimes you just want to cry for no reason at all. And that's okay. That is life. Sometimes you just can't do it all. You can't even do a little and that is also okay. Sometimes you have anxiety and you don't know where it's coming from and you can hardly bare to sit at your desk and you have no idea how to fix it and you just want to go home and crawl back into bed. But there are things to be done and you keep plugging away and hopefully tomorrow will be better. And you can be thankful that God woke you up for another day to see his miracles and feel his love. And you remember that life is good. And God is good. And everyone has days/weeks like this. It helps give you perspective and compassion for others. And for yourself.

The cracked pot

Going along with my previous post on comparing ourselves with others, I've been reading a lot for my education classes. Right now I'm in the middle of different ways to help English Language Learners. It made me think back to my time in the Spain MTC when I had two French speaking companions. One spoke English fairly well, but the other hardly knew 5 words. Sister Fricard was asked to speak in church and she wanted to do it in English even though the MTC president told her that she could give her talk in French. Sister Hunter and Sister Fricard took this story of the cracked pot and translated it from French to English and then I read over it to make sure it flowed, then I practiced with Sister Fricard. I was on the front row listening to her, praying for her and just loving her as she read this story. She did so great! I can still hear her saying "crack-ed" pot. That -ed sound was really hard for her. It's one of my favorite memories from the MTC and the from the mission overall. That companionship was a time we worked together despite our language barriers, overcame obstacles and cheered for each other to succeed. I love this story for what it actually says and for what it represents to me.   

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 

‘I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'

The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'

'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

That is exactly what God does with each of us. He knows our flaws and our weaknesses. He sees our struggles, our heartaches, our fears. And he works with them. He plants flowers and allows us to water them with our tears. He knows our hearts. The people we long to be. He see our efforts and He doesn't compare us to the "perfect" pot. He takes us as we are and makes the very best out of it. Don't be so hard on yourself little cracked pot, He is working a wonder within you. 

Comparison is the thief of joy

I read a friend's blog post last night. It was well written, full of insight and simply put, beautiful. I went to bed shortly after reading it and as I lay there in the dark I found myself comparing myself to this friend who wrote this blog. And I was coming up short. Very short. I don't write as well as she does, I am not as spiritual as she is, I don't accomplish as much in one day as she does, I'm not as close to my family as she is, and on and on.
And then I caught myself. And I scolded myself. It's not fair to compare myself to anyone else. I am not her. I am not supposed to be her. I am supposed to be me. I haven't lived her experiences. I don't see her daily struggles and shortcomings.
It's good to look up to people, see their good qualities and aspire to be better. But it's a fine line to walk. When your admiration for another turns to tearing yourself down, it is no longer beneficial.
I think that was one reason it was time for me to move on from the singles ward. It was just so chuck full of super amazing women. My peers, in similar life stages, and all I could see was how much more awesome than me they were. They are spiritual(huge right there, they always had the deepest and most inspiring thoughts and insights into the gospel) and they are kind and crafty and smart and well spoken and accomplished and on and on. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And that right there should have told me something, we all have something to offer, but it was hard not to feel that I didn't quite measure up.
Now I face different struggles, feeling invisible and not needed in my new ward, but I'm working on that. And I don't find myself comparing myself. I think mostly for two reasons. 1. I don't know anyone so I can't really compare anything. 2. They are quite obviously in a completely different stage of life from me.
So as a reminder to myself. You are enough. Can you do better? Yes. But just focus on doing better than you did yesterday and not doing better than Sally did yesterday. The only fair comparison is between the person you were and the person you are and the person you can become. 

The hurts of life

Sometimes life just hurts. Last week I had one of those days. A close friend contacted me telling me of a hard thing she was facing in life and asking for advice. My heart broke for her. I didn't really feel like I had any great advice, but this was my response to her. I feel like I will probably be able to benefit from it somewhere down the road so I'm going to record it here. 

I often find I don't understand God's plan for me. My tiny vision of what's happening in my life leads me to believe that God is obviously not paying attention to me. If he were, he would see that I want good things, I'm living a good life and I deserve good things to happen to me. In reality he is far more aware of me than I know. My faith in his plan for me is usually challenged by my lack of faith in his timing. What I know doesn't always match how I feel and I often feel like there must be something I am doing wrong and therefore I am being punished. The lack of desired blessings is obviously God's way of chastising and punishing me. But that is false. That would  mean that people who are not really very great people and who aren't doing what they should and are getting the things that they want (sometimes things that I want) are being rewarded. But that isn't how God works. My view of what is just and fair don't always line up with the reality of God's justice, fairness and mercy. The agency of others is always the hardest thing to factor in.

I don't feel like I have any great advice for you, but I have found that when I am feeling like a little girl, lost in the recesses of the universe, forgotten and forsaken by God, it helps to count my blessings (super cheesy I know, but it works!) It helps to see all of the ways he has answered my prayers. The people he has blessed me with in my life. The tender mercies he extends to me every day. Remembering that he does see me.

I don't know God's plan for me or for you. But one thing I have learned is that God is always right. I have seen it over and over and over again. No matter how bad things seem, how much better I think my plan is, God is always right. And he is always generous and kind. It is not his goal to see how many tears he can make us cry, although there will definitely be many of those. He wants us to be happy and he knows the very best way to give us the most happiness possible. I have a letter somewhere my dad sent me when I was on my mission. I wish I had it right now, but I don't so I'll have to paraphrase. 'Life rarely works out in textbook fashion. Satan is far too smart for that.' There was way more to it than that, but I really just can't remember it. But that was the main point. Life rarely looks the way we think it will or should, but that doesn't mean it can't be or won't be amazing.

I found some quotes and thoughts from my blog that may be applicable to the situation. Know that I am praying for you friend. You are one of the very best people I know. Even if you don't understand it, God does have a plan for you and I know it's a great one. Remember the Atonement isn't just for our sins, but for all of our pains. Christ knows exactly how you are feeling. He can take your pain, raise you up and make you whole. Rely on him.