The influence of a parent

As a new parent and a relatively new step-parent I have thought a lot about the influence of parents. Parents have a lot of responsibility when it comes to children. We have to teach them how to talk and walk. How to eat. How to use the bathroom. How to do chores. How to share. How to be a friend. And most importantly, right from wrong, based in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I realize many don't have that end part about Jesus Christ. I'm not saying you can't teach right from wrong and be a good person without it, but how much better when you can teach them WHY we are kind and WHY we choose the right.
I think about the consequences if we don't teach them. The example we set says so much more than just the words we say. I would hope that as I teach my son to be respectful to others, he will see me being respectful. I hope he learns love and respect for his dad, from the love and respect I give his dad.
As a step-mom I feel torn. I have had many conversations with my friend Jessica, who is in a similar situation. I've read blogs and listened to seminars. One seminar had a lot to say about moms, dads, and step-dads, but not a single thing about step-moms. That was very disheartening. I recognize why it is that way, but it doesn't take away much of the sting. I think the influence of a mother is SO important. Maybe even more so when there is divorce. The way she encourages relationships with a child's dad and other stepparent is invaluable. I think about how different things would be in our home if husband's ex-wife could empathize and see things from a different perspective. I see how she hurts my husband and sometimes it hits me personally. I'm sure she's oblivious to much of it, and what she isn't oblivious to, she doesn't care about.
My step-son hardly interacts with me. I honestly am not offended by this. I feel bad for him. From where I sit, what I see is that he is afraid of any kind of relationship with me because of what he thinks it will do to his mom. His sister doesn't have the same inhibitions, but I really think, whether consciously or subconsciously, that he thinks a relationship with me will hurt his mom. I feel bad for children of divorce. Feeling torn. Especially when their parents don't have a good relationship and live very different lives, with different priorities. It's hard to keep trying, when you feel like it's getting you nowhere. When the other side it proclaiming being a saint when it's really just veiled motions to ease a conscience.
I realize I am biased in my assessment. I don't actually know what is going on on the other side. But I do have actual written words to support my thoughts. It's very disheartening. I fear for what will happen to these children without the positive influences that are so important. I know people turn out just fine, but I think there is an added component when the influence was there, but now that influence is pushed away. It's one thing to never had it, but another to see someone you look up to a trust, push it away.
I guess what I take away from this is just how important it is for me to be an example to little Lincoln. To teach him every day of Jesus Christ. To help him find his own testimony and continue to build it up as he grows. To teach him that we love his siblings no matter what, but that we need to make better choices. Maybe this is a blog post better suited for my journal, but I just felt that I needed to get it all out. Maybe someone else can relate and know that they aren't alone. Maybe you've found some insight that could help me. By all means, send it on over. 

You always need your dad

Yesterday we blessed Lincoln at church and then of course it was testimony meeting. I sat there thinking about my testimony. I thought about when I was in labor and the epidural wasn't working and I was in SOOO much pain I just wanted my dad. My mom was there, my husband was there, I had a couple nurses, but in between the uterus wrenching contractions, I asked my dad to come hold my hand. I felt a little bit bad asking my dad when Bryan was sitting right there, but I just wanted my dad. He came and stood by my bed and held my hand. He wouldn't look at me. He just watched the machine showing my contractions. He couldn't look at me in so much pain. As I thought of that yesterday, I thought about how much our Heavenly Father loves us. How he is always there when we need him. Even when we have so many wonderful people around us to support us, we still have him. And sometimes that really all we need.

Curve balls

Life can be put into so many analogies. Currently at 2:33 am on a school night, my brain is unable to really think through any of them. Baseball comes to mind with the whole curve ball thing, but really I'm not able to work through it all. I woke up an hour and a half ago. Sometimes I get up go to the bathroom and have no trouble going back to sleep and other nights I lie awake for 2+ hours thinking about how tired I'm going to be in the morning. I also think about life. Different things. Work, kids, husband, students, siblings, baby, etc. I went to the doctor yesterday. Regular check-up for baby. I'm at 32 weeks. I had a second ultrasound a month ago and he couldn't remember what it said so he went and grabbed it. Everything looks normal for baby. 4 chamber heart, 10 fingers, 10 toes, all his organs. It's me that has the problem. They found it in the first ultrasound at 20 weeks. You have a 7 cm fibroid on your uterus. What does that even mean? I wasn't completely shocked. I had been told I had a fibroid when I went in for my premarital exam, but that doctor said since I hadn't had any problems, I should just go get married, enjoy it and we'd look into it later. And then I completely forgot about it until I went in at week 24 and the doctor told me about it. I've tried not to think about it. I mean really, what can I do? It can't currently be removed. There's a baby in there whose home is my uterus and he kind of needs it. The doctor briefly said it can cause pre-term labor and then let me go. I wasn't doing well that day emotionally and really couldn't muster any questions. The next appointment we asked a few more questions about the pre-term labor. It's caused because the fibroid can prevent the uterus from stretching the way it needs to. Still, what can I do? I spent my Spring Break at school getting stuff planned for the rest of the year and my parents along with Bryan helped pack up a lot of my classroom. Less to worry about later and more prepared if it comes to having baby before school gets out. But yesterday I asked more questions. I was more emotionally stable and feeling like I could handle it. The fibroid has grown a cm since the first ultrasound. 8 cm is a significant size. It's also located right by my cervix. So in addition to pre-term labor it can also cause complication with delivery. It can get in the way and not allow the baby to drop the way he needs to, putting me at higher risk for a c-section. Awesome sauce. So now I'm at a higher risk for pre-term labor and a c-section. I wouldn't say I'm worried. They know about it. My doctor is great. He's been very upfront and to the point. I'm healthy, baby is healthy. I'm at 32 weeks right now. Babies have a 90% survival rate at 32 weeks. Those are decent odds. I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me about the whole thing. This pregnancy was a curve ball from the start. We didn't plan to get pregnant 3 months after getting married. It has been a blessing. God's timing is always best and he of course knows what we need before we do. Now to hear that my body isn't quite what it should be, I guess is a bit disappointing. But that's not it. I just don't know. For now, I just keep praying that baby can stay and cook for at least another 5 weeks. At 37 weeks my doctor won't try to stop labor and I'll be out of school. Life gives you so many challenges. It's not easy for anyone. I think of people who can't get pregnant, those who miscarry early or late, and so many other situations. I am grateful I haven't been crazy sick. Overall, I feel like I've been pretty textbook, fibroid aside. I truly am blessed. I'll keep swinging at the curve balls and hopefully will be able to hit one out of the park.

Happiness

My friend Denae has recommended a couple books in the last few months and I decided to give them a try. The first was "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I listened to this one on audio book, narrated by the author and was surprised how awesome it was. I didn't really have any expectations. Denae raved about it so I gave it a listen. She had some really great points and it's actually a book I think I will purchase for reference. A good kick in the butt to make the changes you want to make in your life. The second books is "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I just started reading it today while I was taking a bath feeling sorry for myself. This week has been a rough one for me, emotionally. I've been trying to ignore it, but today has been my day to snap. I'm overly emotional and poor Bryan gets to deal with me. I literally could not breath I was crying so hard this morning. I'm sure part of all this is the fact that I am sick. Again. Both the emotional-ness and the not breathing, I blame on sickness. It's very frustrating to be sick again. Or maybe still? I'm usually very good at getting over being sick or just not getting sick in the first place, but apparently when your body is growing a human, it doesn't have much left to fight off whatever your 25 little germ machines bring to school with them. Anyway, I started reading "The Happiness Project" not because I was feeling especially unhappy. Mostly because Denae recommended it and the digital copy just became available on my library app so I have 3 weeks to read it. As I lay in the tub reading, she started by saying that she didn't do this project because she was unhappy or depressed, but because she wanted to be happier. That was very relatable to me. I would say I'm mostly a happy person. But lately I definitely have felt like I could be happier. I recognize that I am pregnant and that results in being crazy tired. But I do not like that I am CRANKY. Like super cranky. Especially at school. I struggled with that at the beginning of last year, but felt like by the end I had a pretty good handle on it. I started the year out pretty good (with the exception of two special boys in my class), but I have spiraled down and I just can't stand these little people most days. They drive me crazy and I don't have the patience for it. But I SHOULD. Or at least that's what I tell myself at the end of the day when I'm beating myself up for losing my temper, AGAIN. For calling that kid out in front of the whole class, AGAIN. And for wishing it was Friday, no matter what day it is. I say this, and then I think, why am I having such a hard time turning in my intent to return form? I'm miserable and yet I'm finding it hard to turn in the paper saying I'm not coming back next year. Why? Maybe because I really do love my job. I like being a teacher. I like seeing the kids progress. I like feeling like I'm contributing to society by having a job. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home mom, so these feelings are startling to me. I know being at home it the best choice for me and my family, but it's still proving to be a really hard decision. Anyway, back to the book. As I started reading, I started thinking of all the things I was doing that were taking away from my happiness. That's one of the downsides to reading self-help books. I start the introspection and sometimes I go a little overboard and start feeling worse about how terrible I'm doing in life. I avoid my step kids. I feel HORRIBLE admitting this, but it's true. Ever since their mom started feeding them crap about how dad was going to make them stay and live in Utah, causing them to be not so nice to Bryan, I haven't wanted to be around them. I eat dinner with them. I ride in the car with them. But if I can stay in my room while they're here for the weekend, I do. If I'm feeling tired or sick on Monday nights when we have them, I let Bryan just go and take them to dinner and I stay home. Then I think what a bad step-parent I am. To add to the horribleness of this, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a hard time when they move to Washington in June. I'll be glad to get to just be with Bryan on the Sundays he doesn't work and can come to church. I'll be glad that I'm not dying inside because my step-daughters skirt is WAY too short. I won't miss my step-son looking like we killed his best friend because he's at church. I mostly feel bad about these things because I know Bryan WILL have a hard time. I don't envy the position he is in. Not even a little bit. He's in a crappy spot, like most divorced parents. His kids are at that awkward, horrible age where they don't want to be with their parents anyway. When I was 14 I definitely wanted to be at my friends' houses. He has to deal with that 2 states away with a mom that is anything but supportive of a relationship with dad. As I dump all my troubles and complaints here, let's add that I haven't felt on top of school for more than a week at a time since October. I hate that. I hate going in in the morning not even 70% sure of what I'm doing that day. I haven't cleaned our bathrooms since October, with the exception of the toilets, because, when your head is in the toilet a good chunk of the time and you already feel terrible, you wipe down the seat and toilet rim and scrub the bowl so it doesn't make you throw up even more. I do laundry because I have to have clean underwear. I have a quilt for my nephew that I've been working on since... who knows when, but he's 5 months old. I haven't had regular prayer or scripture study for more than 3 days in a row in... a really long time. I used to brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face every night. Not a thing anymore. You see how I'm in a downward spiral? I know it. But I just am not 100% sure how to fix it. Don't be so hard on yourself is the response I get a lot. Great. What does that mean. I realize I'm pregnant and have some kind of "excuse". But how much does it actually excuse? I'm not puking every day now. I'm not so physically exhausted after school that I want to die. But I feel so out of control. I'm 34 years old. I should be able to handle things and figure it out. This very minute as I type this answers are coming. Answers I've already gotten but seem to forget quickly. "You're trying to do it on your own." I am. I don't pray. Not because I don't want to but because I'm so tired I fall asleep at 7:30 in my clothes on top of the covers. I'm so tired in the morning, it's a miracle to get out the door on time with a lunch in tote. I sometimes pray in the car on the way to school, but I'm not 100% in it. I'm trying to pay attention to driving so I don't die on the way to school. But maybe that's where I can start. Make that my goal. To pray, really pray morning and night. Talk to God. Ask him for some help. Let him in. I cleaned off my night stand today. I pulled out my box of cards so I can pick one to send to a friend. Maybe I'll go finish that last block for my nephew's quilt while I watch food network and then take a nap. Baby steps to more happiness.

I don't feel like it

I have found that my preconceived notions about how things will be are never quite accurate. I chalk it up to experience. You can't really understand something until you've actually been there. People tell you things are hard and you think, yeah that would be hard. Then you actually do the thing and you're like "oh! that's what they meant by hard". I've had those experiences a few times in my life. The newest experience is pregnancy. There was the "hard" realization, but I just thought I would feel different. Both physically and emotionally. Currently I'm 5 months pregnant and I don't feel like it. I feel like I did before the morning sickness only a little more tired. I thought I would feel different. Morning sickness was the pits, but at least it was what I was expecting. Feel like crap, throw up, want to die. Check, check, check. But now that's gone and all I have are clothes that don't fit and an "excuse" to eat more ice cream. We had our gender scan ultrasound yesterday. We had them put it in an envelope and we are going to do a party on Sunday for my birthday!! Prior to the scan I had my regular appointment with the doctor. Actually the nurse, since the doctor was out delivering a baby. I told her I wasn't really feeling the baby. Not the way people were describing it to me "flutterings" and whatever. I've had a few times I thought "Maybe that was the baby" but dismissed it because it didn't fit the description. The nurse told me to ask the ultrasound tech if the placenta was in the front or the back. If it's in the front it makes it harder to feel baby moving. Guess what? Mine's in the front. :( Emotionally I feel like I should be more excited or more nervous or something, but I'm just like, whatevs. I feel okay so everything must be okay. Shouldn't I be freaking out and reading every baby book and baby blog on the planet? Who has time and energy for that? I say. Maybe when we find out the gender on Sunday and actually start shopping things will change. I don't really know the reason for this post. Just a place to put down my thoughts I guess.

To the life you didn't see coming

I went to the dentist last week. As I sat there talking to the hygienist, she asked, did you imagine this is where you would be a year ago? I laughed and said definitely not. Last year at this time, I was a first year teacher, headed home for Thanksgiving alone with no prospects. I was happy, but alone. Fast forward one year and here I am, a married second year teacher with a ...BABY on the way! Say what!? You really just never know what God has in store and how his time table is going to play out. We weren't planning on a baby this soon, but here we are. I can already see God's hand in the timing. Was it a bit of a shocker? Totally. Did it take me a while to adjust? Still working on it. You have all these plans for your life and then God pops in and says, "How about this?" And you just have to take it and roll with it. I am still having a hard time adjusting to my life plans to the plans God has for us. I suppose it's a good thing I've got 9 months to adjust. As much as one can. It's still so weird to think about. I am growing a person inside of me. Currently little "nut" is the size of a kumquat and is much too small to feel. But there's a baby in there. Sapping my energy and making me throw up at least once a day. If I'm lucky. God has always blessed me beyond what I deserve. Sometimes I haven't seen it, but he truly knows me best and gives me exactly what I need. We'll see how this new adventure goes and where it takes us.

Refiner's Fire

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When big things come up, I think to myself that I know it's going to be hard. People tell me it's going to be hard and I nod my head and say I know and then I actually start the journey through the experience and realize I didn't actually know how hard it was going to be. Serving a mission was like that. I knew it would be hard to learn a language and live in a foreign land and be with a companion 24/7 and possibly not like that companion much, but I could handle it. And then I was in the MTC trying to learn this ridiculous language they call Spanish and I thought, this is REALLY hard. I can't do it. And then I kept going and I did it. It got easier or really my capacity got greater. My first zone leader gave me a little pep talk one day when I was particularly struggling and he talked about the refiner's fire. He talked about how if it's not one thing, it's going to be another. That is how God helps us progress and reach our potential. Shortly after coming home there was a conference talk by Kent D. Watson talking about tempered glass. "Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.
Likewise, a temperate soul --one who is humble and full of love-- is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today's world."

God is tempering me to be able to withstand more. This is both comforting and terrifying. If I need to be stronger, what is ahead.

Next I decided to go back to school to be a teacher. Everyone tells you the first year of teaching is hard. Teachers tell you and people who know nothing about teaching tell you and I nodded my head and said "I know it will be hard." And then I started teaching and realized I didn't actually have any clue how hard it was going to be and I thought, I can't do this. And then I kept on doing it and I made it through my first year of teaching. I learned SO much about myself. I developed greater patience (mostly) and found strengths and talents I didn't previously know I had.

In that journey of teaching I met a wonderful man and fell in love and we decided to get married and I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard work. Unlike my previous "hard things" I didn't have every person telling me how much harder it was going to be when you throw in two kids and an ex-wife. And let me tell you it is HARD. Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing. I love being married to Bryan and his kids are great, but that doesn't make it a piece of cake. I struggle with constant feelings of failure. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I do it. ALL. THE. TIME. I compare myself to invisible people and invisible standards. I recognize that that is pretty normal for anyone, married or not, first marriage or second. I cry because I just don't know who I am some days. I feel like a terrible person for thinking and feeling the way I do.  And the thing that has helped me the most besides pleading on my knees for help and comfort and guidance are the really, REALLY great people God has given me. First, a VERY patient husband, who while he does get frustrated with me for my silly thoughts and ridiculous perception of my shortcomings, listens and still loves me. Second my friends who are in a similar situation. They have done SO much for me in reassuring me that I am normal! I am not some crazy woman who is overanalyzing things that no sane person would every overanalyze. They share that they experienced similar things, that they struggled/are struggling with finding their place and loving the journey. Third, the other people who can't empathize, but they sympathize. They hurt with me even though they don't understand. They let me know they love me and support me.  I know things will always be a roller coaster. That's life, ups and downs. Marriage isn't quite like a mission or the first year of teaching. It doesn't have an end date. We keep moving through eternity with really great times and really rough lows, but I know that I can do it. God has always seen me through my toughest trials and he will help me as I continue to stick close to him and work hard with Bryan to make things as God would have them.