Happiness

My friend Denae has recommended a couple books in the last few months and I decided to give them a try. The first was "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I listened to this one on audio book, narrated by the author and was surprised how awesome it was. I didn't really have any expectations. Denae raved about it so I gave it a listen. She had some really great points and it's actually a book I think I will purchase for reference. A good kick in the butt to make the changes you want to make in your life. The second books is "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I just started reading it today while I was taking a bath feeling sorry for myself. This week has been a rough one for me, emotionally. I've been trying to ignore it, but today has been my day to snap. I'm overly emotional and poor Bryan gets to deal with me. I literally could not breath I was crying so hard this morning. I'm sure part of all this is the fact that I am sick. Again. Both the emotional-ness and the not breathing, I blame on sickness. It's very frustrating to be sick again. Or maybe still? I'm usually very good at getting over being sick or just not getting sick in the first place, but apparently when your body is growing a human, it doesn't have much left to fight off whatever your 25 little germ machines bring to school with them. Anyway, I started reading "The Happiness Project" not because I was feeling especially unhappy. Mostly because Denae recommended it and the digital copy just became available on my library app so I have 3 weeks to read it. As I lay in the tub reading, she started by saying that she didn't do this project because she was unhappy or depressed, but because she wanted to be happier. That was very relatable to me. I would say I'm mostly a happy person. But lately I definitely have felt like I could be happier. I recognize that I am pregnant and that results in being crazy tired. But I do not like that I am CRANKY. Like super cranky. Especially at school. I struggled with that at the beginning of last year, but felt like by the end I had a pretty good handle on it. I started the year out pretty good (with the exception of two special boys in my class), but I have spiraled down and I just can't stand these little people most days. They drive me crazy and I don't have the patience for it. But I SHOULD. Or at least that's what I tell myself at the end of the day when I'm beating myself up for losing my temper, AGAIN. For calling that kid out in front of the whole class, AGAIN. And for wishing it was Friday, no matter what day it is. I say this, and then I think, why am I having such a hard time turning in my intent to return form? I'm miserable and yet I'm finding it hard to turn in the paper saying I'm not coming back next year. Why? Maybe because I really do love my job. I like being a teacher. I like seeing the kids progress. I like feeling like I'm contributing to society by having a job. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home mom, so these feelings are startling to me. I know being at home it the best choice for me and my family, but it's still proving to be a really hard decision. Anyway, back to the book. As I started reading, I started thinking of all the things I was doing that were taking away from my happiness. That's one of the downsides to reading self-help books. I start the introspection and sometimes I go a little overboard and start feeling worse about how terrible I'm doing in life. I avoid my step kids. I feel HORRIBLE admitting this, but it's true. Ever since their mom started feeding them crap about how dad was going to make them stay and live in Utah, causing them to be not so nice to Bryan, I haven't wanted to be around them. I eat dinner with them. I ride in the car with them. But if I can stay in my room while they're here for the weekend, I do. If I'm feeling tired or sick on Monday nights when we have them, I let Bryan just go and take them to dinner and I stay home. Then I think what a bad step-parent I am. To add to the horribleness of this, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a hard time when they move to Washington in June. I'll be glad to get to just be with Bryan on the Sundays he doesn't work and can come to church. I'll be glad that I'm not dying inside because my step-daughters skirt is WAY too short. I won't miss my step-son looking like we killed his best friend because he's at church. I mostly feel bad about these things because I know Bryan WILL have a hard time. I don't envy the position he is in. Not even a little bit. He's in a crappy spot, like most divorced parents. His kids are at that awkward, horrible age where they don't want to be with their parents anyway. When I was 14 I definitely wanted to be at my friends' houses. He has to deal with that 2 states away with a mom that is anything but supportive of a relationship with dad. As I dump all my troubles and complaints here, let's add that I haven't felt on top of school for more than a week at a time since October. I hate that. I hate going in in the morning not even 70% sure of what I'm doing that day. I haven't cleaned our bathrooms since October, with the exception of the toilets, because, when your head is in the toilet a good chunk of the time and you already feel terrible, you wipe down the seat and toilet rim and scrub the bowl so it doesn't make you throw up even more. I do laundry because I have to have clean underwear. I have a quilt for my nephew that I've been working on since... who knows when, but he's 5 months old. I haven't had regular prayer or scripture study for more than 3 days in a row in... a really long time. I used to brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face every night. Not a thing anymore. You see how I'm in a downward spiral? I know it. But I just am not 100% sure how to fix it. Don't be so hard on yourself is the response I get a lot. Great. What does that mean. I realize I'm pregnant and have some kind of "excuse". But how much does it actually excuse? I'm not puking every day now. I'm not so physically exhausted after school that I want to die. But I feel so out of control. I'm 34 years old. I should be able to handle things and figure it out. This very minute as I type this answers are coming. Answers I've already gotten but seem to forget quickly. "You're trying to do it on your own." I am. I don't pray. Not because I don't want to but because I'm so tired I fall asleep at 7:30 in my clothes on top of the covers. I'm so tired in the morning, it's a miracle to get out the door on time with a lunch in tote. I sometimes pray in the car on the way to school, but I'm not 100% in it. I'm trying to pay attention to driving so I don't die on the way to school. But maybe that's where I can start. Make that my goal. To pray, really pray morning and night. Talk to God. Ask him for some help. Let him in. I cleaned off my night stand today. I pulled out my box of cards so I can pick one to send to a friend. Maybe I'll go finish that last block for my nephew's quilt while I watch food network and then take a nap. Baby steps to more happiness.