Olivia Fe

 I am the mother of a baby girl! Thursday the 25th of February we welcomed Olivia Fe into the world. Wednesday I was so sick with the flu. I could barely get out of bed and was puking all day. Lincoln and I watched a lot of TV. I was so thankful when mom got here. I was worried I wouldn't be able to have the baby the next day because of how sick I was, but by bedtime I was able to get up and move around without barfing. 

Thursday morning we were up bright and early to be in Ogden by 5:30. My doctor decided it would be better for me to deliver in Ogden in case there were any complications and we had to do a csection. Because of the fibroid, a csection would be much more complicated than the norm. He wanted to have another OB to help him and access to blood in case there were problems. Again, because of the fibroid. 

When I got all checked in, the checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3! They got me going on pitosin and we just sat around waiting. At 11 I was dilated to a 6 and they broke my water. I got an epidural shortly after. I told the guy that last time I had to get two epidurals because the first one didn't work so he said he would do his best to be one and done. We had a little problem with the epidural causing shooting pains down my leg, but he was able to fix that and then we were set. I dilated to an 8 in about an hour and was 80% effaced. Dr. Bailey was finishing up his last appointment and would be on his way. Dr. Murphy was on standby incase Dr. Bailey didn't make it. 

I went from an 8 to a 10 and 100% in about 37 seconds and was ready to push. I don't know how women have babies without epidurals because I had one and was still hurting. The called Dr. Murphy in and I was pushing that baby. My nurses were fabulous. I had two like last time. One training the other. The trainer was just amazing. You know they were chosen to train because they are just so great. There was also a paramedic student in there watching. At 12:37 our little Olivia made her entrance. She didn't cry. She was all purple and we were just waiting for her to fill those little lungs and make her presence known, but she didn't. She started breathing, but still didn't cry. She is so tiny compared to Lincoln and has SO MUCH HAIR. It's pretty long too. 

I am just so amazed at what my body is capable of. It grew a human. Twice! What a blessing to have a body. And what a blessing to be a mother. God has entrusted me with two of his children. It is my responsibility to teach them. To help them learn and know their Father in Heaven. I am truly grateful and terrified by his trust in me. 

My voice with the people

I have sat quietly this week, reading posts on both sides of the issue. I've been battling internally on where I stand and what I think. (this got real long, real fast. I didn't know I had so much to say.)
I'm reading the Come Follow Me lesson for this week and it says "There are likely many important issues facing your community. How can you, like the Nephites, make sure that your voice is included in 'the voice of the people?'"
Our world is a beautiful place. But it is also filled with ugliness. It is filled with privilege and poverty. The issue with racism is a complicated one. We have all been raised with bias. Sometimes we don't even recognize it. Sometimes we excuse it "it was a different time" "that's how I was raised" "it was just a joke".
Am I okay telling that to God?
The media for sure does not give a balanced report of things. I'm sure somewhere there was a black cop who killed a white guy and it didn't make the news. That is not the point. The point is there is a problem. And like it or not we are part of the problem and we need to be part of the solution. Is the media blowing things up? Maybe. But there is still a problem. Is rioting okay? No. Vandalism? No. But is it okay that people keep dying? An even bigger no. It doesn't matter who is dying. It's not okay. Black lives matter. They matter because all lives matter. Saying black lives matter doesn't take away from the value of anyone else.
I've thought before, they (who ever they may be) can get themselves out of their problems. They can work hard and find a job and get an education. This is true. They can. But I didn't consider a lot of things. I didn't understand privilege. Those things are harder to access. It's going to be much harder for them. I was born into privilege and those things were much easier for me to access. I lived in a two parent home, went to a safe public school, lived in a safe tiny town, never had to have a job to help my parents make the rent or put food on the table, etc.
They didn't choose to be born into the situation they were born. It's perpetuated through generations. Just like I have a mindset of work hard and make it because that's how I was raised, they might have a mindset of this is who I am and what I have and that's all there is. Because that's how they were raised. Good? Bad? Doesn't matter. Again it's a complicated problem and therefore complicated to solve.
We all have things that make life hard. But some people have a lot more things working against them. Should that be an excuse for them? No. But should that be an excuse for me or anyone else to turn a blind eye?
How do we break the cycle? How to we enact change?
My opinion, for what it's worth, is that we start at home. I think this is the solution for most of the problems in the world. Start at home. Teach your children morals and values. Teach your children that all lives matter. Don't let racial jokes and slurs pollute the air in your home. If your marriage is rocky, work on it. If you have a bad temper, work on it. If you are stressed out of your mind, find something to help still your mind and body. We have to ACT. We have to teach our children to ACT. We have to teach them to stand up and speak out. Be involved in your community. What are you doing to make it a better place? Teach them about how lucky they are to have been born into privilege. Ultimately we are all responsible for our actions, no matter the circumstances we were born into. But we ARE our brothers keeper. We DO have a responsibility to make sure our neighbors feel safe and ARE safe.
My "voice with the people" is that I want to be an active part of the solution instead of a silent part of the problem.

35 life lessons

Today is my 35th birthday. I've been on this earth learning and growing for 35 years. It's so weird to think about. I look at my baby and wonder what he will be doing and what he will be like in 35 years. What will he have learned and what will he be able to do.
So here are some lessons I've learned on my journey in life so far.

1-Life will never go how you think it should
2-That↑is usually a blessing
3-You can only control yourself
4-Your choices have consequences
5-It's worth the time to consider those consequences before you act
6-Kindness doesn't cost a thing
7-It's not always easy to be kind
8-It doesn't matter what other people think of you
9-It's hard to not think about what other people think of you
10-You can't please everyone
11-It's hard to be selfless
12-People can be very thoughtless and mean
13-Sometimes you are one of those ↑ people, be forgiving
14-God will always see you through whatever you are facing
15-It can be difficult to remember that God is with you and you'll make it through
16-Caring for people takes a lot of energy and is not always rewarded
17-You should care anyway
18-You have value no matter what you've done
19-Everyone else also has value not matter what they've done
20-Not everyone will love you
21-You don't have to love everyone
22-Rainy days come to everyone
23-Sunny days follow. When sun follows rain, there is usually a rainbow
24-Sticking to your goals is hard
25-Sticking to your goals will make you a better, stronger person
26-God's plan is always better than your plan
27-Sometimes you have to lower your expectations
28-Don't let your pride come between you and someone you love
29-Don't be afraid to apologize
30-Don't give up on people, persistence pays off
31-God and family are the most important people, if something is pulling you from either, fix it
32-If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree. This might be physical, mental, spiritual
33-Your body is amazing. Take care of it.
34-Running, music, naps, nature and crying are healing
35-No love is ever wasted

You knew what you were getting into

Anyone who has ever heard "you knew what you were getting into" can probably attest that in most cases, that is not even close to being true. I think it's safe to say that no one ever truly knows what they are getting into. They might have a pretty good idea, but there are just so many variables in life that we can't ever really know how things are going to go.
I have felt that way getting married and becoming a stepmom. When it's hard and I feel like I'm drowning, most people in my life don't understand. No one has actually said those words, but what they have said has implied that that is indeed what they are thinking. "Why are you having such a hard time, it's not like you didn't know it was going to be this way?" "But that's pretty typical right?"
I'm sure I'm reading into things more than they are actually present. I think a lot of people are good about giving me grace. Realizing that I will figure it out and what I'm saying may have not been well thought out. I appreciate those people. I am figuring it out. Where my sisters in law have had 13+ years to ease into dealing with teenagers, I was thrown into the arena. While they have a mothers love for their children and love them in spite of their awfulness, I have kids who are someone else's' kids and while I love them, it is not a mothers love. Kuddos to the stepmom who truly is able to love a stepchild with a mothers' love. You are lucky.
No one prepared me for that. I had no idea it would be this way.
My friend who has 4 girls and is dealing with a very emotional house of hormones, with one being especially troublesome, would surely not agree with anyone who said, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to have kids.
You don't know if your third kid is going to have a disability. You don't know if your 2nd child is going to have a traumatic brain injury, or get cancer, or have some degree of mental illness. You don't know those things when you decide to have a family. You literally have no idea what you are getting into. And you wouldn't think of saying that to someone. At least I hope you wouldn't. So why do we say that to step-parents? We have no way of knowing that in a year the ex-wife is going to decide to move thousands of miles away. We have no way of knowing when the ex is going to let her crazy shine bright. We have no way of knowing that the teenager is going to end up hating us, just because. Just like a traditional family, there are so many things that could happen, so many things that can change in an instant. Why do we expect them to have a better handle on it, just because they knew there were kids involved to begin with?
I truly appreciate those people who don't pretend to understand, but who listen. Who sympathize. Who try to imagine what it might be like. I'd say the best example is my mom. I have only felt supported and loved by her. She is always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when I know I'm being ridiculous. She validates my feelings. She shares her experiences that might be applicable. She encourages me to keep trying, to look at it in the big picture, to think about other points of view.
So I say to you, it's okay you didn't know what you were getting into. Most people, in most situations, don't have a clue what's coming. They don't know how hard it will be. They don't know how they will react. We are all just doing the best we can, with what we've been given.

Christmas Spirit

I've kind of felt like I lost my Christmas spirit lately. Our shopping is done. Our house is decorated. Neighbor gifts are delivered. Holiday movies, music and books abound. And yet I have felt myself dreading Christmas. Wishing it were over already. The discouragement and negativity have been disheartening. 

Yesterday was Christmas Sunday. We got dressed and ready for church. The baby pooped when I put him in his carseat. Pulled him out changed him. He pooped again as I put him back in his seat. We headed to church with poopy baby and only 5 minutes until church started. Church was only an hour. I headed straight for the bathroom with diaper, wipes and baby in hand. We walked in during the opening hymn. The meeting was filled with music from the primary choir as well as the ward choir. The Relief Society president and her husband were the speakers. 

She spoke about light. How we seek light in our lives. We need light to help us be productive. (Ever tried to get ready in the dark?) Plants need light to grow. We need light to help us be happy. Hurray for vitamin D! We need the light of Christ for those same things. He is the light that brings productivity, growth and happiness. He is the light that brings hope and peace. Comfort and guidance. He is the light. 

I was especially interested in what her husband would have to say. He’s an obstetrician and I figured he would talk about the birth of Christ. More than an obstetrician, he is my obstetrician. He delivered my baby. He started out with a fictional woman Sarah, pregnant with her first baby. In labor 18 hours, pushing for 2. Everyone anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new little spirit she was carrying. He asked her if this is the hardest thing she’s ever done. She responds with an emphatic yes! And then the veil thins and a new spirit enters the world. He talked about the mothers emotions, worried, nervous, then excited, relieved, and then filled with so much joy as tears spill down her cheeks and she meets her baby for the first time. Texts are sent out, Facebook and Instagram posts are made and maybe an actual phone call is placed as we spread the word of the new arrival.

 

I of course stood by the door bouncing my fussy baby, crying as he basically told the story of my labor and delivery. He then paralleled that with the birth of the baby Jesus. His mother tired and oh so pregnant. Joseph searching for some clean straw as he worked to keep the animals back. Mary laboring in a stable, nervous and worried. Excited and filled with joy and relief at the arrival. How would it be to know your baby would grow up to save mankind? I hope my baby grows up and doesn’t flip burgers for a living. 

How would it be to feel the burden of being the mother of the Savior of the world? I feel the burden of being the mother of an average little boy. I have never felt more connected and in awe of Mary as I do this year. As I think of my own emotions preparing to bring a little life into the world and imagining how she felt. 

There were no texts going out. No Facebook posts declaring his birth. No groups of relatives arriving at the hospital with well wishes. A simple star in the heavens. A few humble shepherds. And later the wisemen. It was a humble and simple beginning for a baby who would change the world. 

I am so grateful for Mary. For her courage, her goodness, her faith. I grateful for her gift to the world. For her little son he grew up to be my savior. 

I hope we can keep the focus and true spirit of Christmas as we are bombarded with the worldly. Pulled in every direction. Distracted from every side. Let us resolve to turn our focus to Him who brings light. To Him who is light. At Christmas and all through the year. 

So much to be grateful for

This month as I was thinking of gratitude I thought of the one person I am most grateful for.
Bryan
Then every day I wrote down a reason why I was thankful for him.

1. I'm thankful he dressed up in our family Halloween costume. 
2. I'm thankful he eats what I cook even when it isn't very good. 
3. I'm thankful for his cuddles.
4. I'm thankful he is involved in the finances of our family.
5. I'm thankful he feeds Lincoln. 
6. I'm thankful he is a hard worker. 
7. I'm thankful he is supportive of me.
8. I'm thankful he is concerned for me.
9. I'm thankful he goes on dates with me. 
10. I'm thankful he invites me to fast with him.
11. I'm thankful he encourages me to be healthy.
12. I'm thankful he asks me about my day even when he gets home late and is tired. 
13. I'm thankful he will stay home with Lincoln so I can substitute sometimes. 
14. I'm thankful he goes to the temple with me.
15. I'm thankful for small things he does for me, like pick out a leaf for my journal. 
16. I'm thankful he likes my parents. 
17. I'm thankful he worries about his kids. 
18. I'm thankful he likes Coke like I do. 
19. I'm thankful he watches shows with me. 
20. I'm thankful he encourages me to nurture relationships with my friends. 
21. I'm thankful for his affection. 
22. I'm thankful he is patient with people. (especially me)
23. I'm thankful he supports me in my hobbies. 
24. I'm thankful he asks me to help him with things. 
25. I'm thankful he likes the cold and I will never have to live in Arizona. 
26. I'm thankful he lets me know when he will be home later than normal. 
27. I'm thankful he plays with Lincoln. 
28. I'm thankful he lets me cry and listens to what is bothering me. 
29. I'm thankful he encourages me to support my family.
30. I'm thankful he gets out and play with his family and creates memories. 

I'm thankful that he loves me and he chose me and I'm so glad I chose him back. Life is not easy. No one is exempt from trials and hardships, but I have the best person beside me to see me through those hard times. I'm grateful for all the things he does for me and for our family. I couldn't have picked a better friend, father, lover, man, to help me through this journey of life. 

Summer anxiety

The formatting on this is stupid, but I was done trying to fix it.

I've never been one to have anxiety. Apparently it comes with

being a parent. Having step kids brought it a little, having my
own child brought it a lot more and the thought of having all 3
kids all summer next year fills me with all kinds of anxiety.
Bryan doesn't really understand and I don't really expect him
to. The thought of the kids being bored home with me makes
me want to die. I want them to have a fun summer and enjoy
being with us. He'll be at work a lot unlike this summer where
he was home for the entire month they were here for paternity
leave. I won't be able to hide myself away in my room with my
new baby and ignore the fact that they are on screens all day
every day. 

In an effort to combat the anxiety I've been thinking of a plan.
Being prepared helps me feel in control. If I plan on not letting
them be on screens all day every day I want to have fun
productive things for them to do. I realize that this will be better
in my head than in the actual application, but at least I have
put in the time and effort. 

I'm planning on having a must do list for them every day. 

-make your bed

-clean your room

-read 20 minutes

-do your chore (whatever that is)

-work in the garden x number of minutes

Then they can have 2 hours of screen time. Past that they will

have to earn time or they can earn money. I'll have a can with
different color coded tasks on Popsicle sticks worth a different
amount of points. I had been thinking about this a lot and then
the new youth program cam out and I felt like my thoughts went
right along with what they were presenting so there will be 4
categories physical, intellectual, spiritual, social. The kids are
not required to do any specific color, but some tasks are worth
more points than others. I haven't figured out the point system.
I want to talk to Bryan about how much "allowance" they can
earn and go from there to work the points into that. 

I'm hoping they will find activities they like and try new things.
They will move their bodies and their brains and not just their
thumbs. I want to make sure this is well organized so it has a
better chance at success. That's one of the reasons I've started
so early. 

I've been brainstorming ideas for a 13 year old boy and 15 year
old girl. I want to give them a variety of choices. I'm going to
have them give input and be involved. I'm hoping to work on
some of this over Spring Break when they are here. Maybe
even get their cousins involved. You know the whole buy-in
thing. I'll have them create a couple lists. 

Goals, travel bucket list, life bucket list, summer bucket list
(I really like bucket lists).  

I want our family to spend quality time together and really
form bonds and create good memories. I want the kids to look
forward to coming to visit and be able to look back someday
and recognize that we really wanted them with us and we
tried to make it fun and memorable. 

Here are the things I've thought of so far. (Thank goodness for

the internet) Not everything fits into a category perfectly, it's
definitely still a work in progress. If you have anything you
would add, I'd love for you to share in the comments. 

Intellectual (skills) 

1. Photography
2. Build a Ukulele and learn to play it
3. Draw
4. make jewelry
5. Find their own DIY project and make a list of materials needed. (Complete the project)
6. paint a phone case
7. Do a science project
8. Create a block set for Lincoln
9. Work on a puzzle
10. painting
11. learn to code (saw a kit for this on someone's Instagram)
12. puppetry (create a set, puppets and writ e a play)
13. carpentry (nothing fancy, just giving them some nails and wood)
14. Graffiti (I want to make some kind of fence thing they can spray paint on)
15. doodle
16. Write a play and act it out (this one might take some planning so they have more than just the 2 of them to be in it)
17. Write to a pen pal (hopefully they have friends in Washington they could write to. I know letters are SO old fashioned)
18. Write a story
19. String art 
20. Do movie reviews (bonus if they create a set)
21. Create a pinterest board
22. create a blog
23. Listen to a podcast (I need to make a list of kid friendly podcasts)
24. Paint rocks (they love to do this at the cabin)
25. duct tape art
26. work in the garden
27. Shrink art
28. Origami
29. Make a comic strip
30. Polymer clay sculpting (My mom does this. I'll need to check if she has a book or something. Maybe check at the library. This could also go with the jewelry and they can make their own beads)
31. Plan and make a meal
32. Make homemade ice cream
33. learn to decorate cake or cookies (my friend does cookie classes and I think it would be fun to do this with all the girl cousins. Drop Ethan and Lincoln off with Jill and take the girls to the class. 
34. Bake something
35. learn to make candles
36. learn to grill
37. learn to knit
38. learn to crochet
39. learn to juggle
40. learn a magic/card trick
41. learn to sew
42. learn calligraphy
43. learn an instrument
44. learn/practice a language

Physical

1. Hiking (plan a hike)
2. Swimming (plan a swim trip)
3. Geocaching (I did this on a date and it was fun. I'll need to look up good resources and see if there is even anything) 
4. in our area)
5. Go for a walk
6. Go for a bike ride
7. Play a sport

Social

1. -Volunteer (animal shelter) I need to look into community opportunities
2. -Join a club
3. -Play a board game
4. -Plan a picnic
5. -Plan a movie marathon (what movie, when, food, invites?)
6. -Have a water fight
7. -Choose a community event to attend
8. -Create a scavenger hunt
9. -Read to Lincoln
10. -Serve a neighbor

Spiritual

1. Write in your journal (gotta find some good journal prompts)
2. Plan a trip to the temple
3. Read a conference talk
4. Read the scriptures for 10 minutes
5. Make a card and send it to someone
6. Plan and give an FHE
7. Index names

Misc.

1. Bird watching
2. Wash the car
3. play with sidewalk chalk  
4. color 
5. Plan a camping trip
6. Fly a kite

Family Activities-obviously a lot of these could be family activities

1. Flea market flip (HGTV show DIY DI flip competition)
2. Color me mine
3. Bowling
4. Movies
5. Lagoon
6. Vacation

The influence of a parent

As a new parent and a relatively new step-parent I have thought a lot about the influence of parents. Parents have a lot of responsibility when it comes to children. We have to teach them how to talk and walk. How to eat. How to use the bathroom. How to do chores. How to share. How to be a friend. And most importantly, right from wrong, based in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I realize many don't have that end part about Jesus Christ. I'm not saying you can't teach right from wrong and be a good person without it, but how much better when you can teach them WHY we are kind and WHY we choose the right.
I think about the consequences if we don't teach them. The example we set says so much more than just the words we say. I would hope that as I teach my son to be respectful to others, he will see me being respectful. I hope he learns love and respect for his dad, from the love and respect I give his dad.
As a step-mom I feel torn. I have had many conversations with my friend Jessica, who is in a similar situation. I've read blogs and listened to seminars. One seminar had a lot to say about moms, dads, and step-dads, but not a single thing about step-moms. That was very disheartening. I recognize why it is that way, but it doesn't take away much of the sting. I think the influence of a mother is SO important. Maybe even more so when there is divorce. The way she encourages relationships with a child's dad and other stepparent is invaluable. I think about how different things would be in our home if husband's ex-wife could empathize and see things from a different perspective. I see how she hurts my husband and sometimes it hits me personally. I'm sure she's oblivious to much of it, and what she isn't oblivious to, she doesn't care about.
My step-son hardly interacts with me. I honestly am not offended by this. I feel bad for him. From where I sit, what I see is that he is afraid of any kind of relationship with me because of what he thinks it will do to his mom. His sister doesn't have the same inhibitions, but I really think, whether consciously or subconsciously, that he thinks a relationship with me will hurt his mom. I feel bad for children of divorce. Feeling torn. Especially when their parents don't have a good relationship and live very different lives, with different priorities. It's hard to keep trying, when you feel like it's getting you nowhere. When the other side it proclaiming being a saint when it's really just veiled motions to ease a conscience.
I realize I am biased in my assessment. I don't actually know what is going on on the other side. But I do have actual written words to support my thoughts. It's very disheartening. I fear for what will happen to these children without the positive influences that are so important. I know people turn out just fine, but I think there is an added component when the influence was there, but now that influence is pushed away. It's one thing to never had it, but another to see someone you look up to a trust, push it away.
I guess what I take away from this is just how important it is for me to be an example to little Lincoln. To teach him every day of Jesus Christ. To help him find his own testimony and continue to build it up as he grows. To teach him that we love his siblings no matter what, but that we need to make better choices. Maybe this is a blog post better suited for my journal, but I just felt that I needed to get it all out. Maybe someone else can relate and know that they aren't alone. Maybe you've found some insight that could help me. By all means, send it on over. 

You always need your dad

Yesterday we blessed Lincoln at church and then of course it was testimony meeting. I sat there thinking about my testimony. I thought about when I was in labor and the epidural wasn't working and I was in SOOO much pain I just wanted my dad. My mom was there, my husband was there, I had a couple nurses, but in between the uterus wrenching contractions, I asked my dad to come hold my hand. I felt a little bit bad asking my dad when Bryan was sitting right there, but I just wanted my dad. He came and stood by my bed and held my hand. He wouldn't look at me. He just watched the machine showing my contractions. He couldn't look at me in so much pain. As I thought of that yesterday, I thought about how much our Heavenly Father loves us. How he is always there when we need him. Even when we have so many wonderful people around us to support us, we still have him. And sometimes that really all we need.

Curve balls

Life can be put into so many analogies. Currently at 2:33 am on a school night, my brain is unable to really think through any of them. Baseball comes to mind with the whole curve ball thing, but really I'm not able to work through it all. I woke up an hour and a half ago. Sometimes I get up go to the bathroom and have no trouble going back to sleep and other nights I lie awake for 2+ hours thinking about how tired I'm going to be in the morning. I also think about life. Different things. Work, kids, husband, students, siblings, baby, etc. I went to the doctor yesterday. Regular check-up for baby. I'm at 32 weeks. I had a second ultrasound a month ago and he couldn't remember what it said so he went and grabbed it. Everything looks normal for baby. 4 chamber heart, 10 fingers, 10 toes, all his organs. It's me that has the problem. They found it in the first ultrasound at 20 weeks. You have a 7 cm fibroid on your uterus. What does that even mean? I wasn't completely shocked. I had been told I had a fibroid when I went in for my premarital exam, but that doctor said since I hadn't had any problems, I should just go get married, enjoy it and we'd look into it later. And then I completely forgot about it until I went in at week 24 and the doctor told me about it. I've tried not to think about it. I mean really, what can I do? It can't currently be removed. There's a baby in there whose home is my uterus and he kind of needs it. The doctor briefly said it can cause pre-term labor and then let me go. I wasn't doing well that day emotionally and really couldn't muster any questions. The next appointment we asked a few more questions about the pre-term labor. It's caused because the fibroid can prevent the uterus from stretching the way it needs to. Still, what can I do? I spent my Spring Break at school getting stuff planned for the rest of the year and my parents along with Bryan helped pack up a lot of my classroom. Less to worry about later and more prepared if it comes to having baby before school gets out. But yesterday I asked more questions. I was more emotionally stable and feeling like I could handle it. The fibroid has grown a cm since the first ultrasound. 8 cm is a significant size. It's also located right by my cervix. So in addition to pre-term labor it can also cause complication with delivery. It can get in the way and not allow the baby to drop the way he needs to, putting me at higher risk for a c-section. Awesome sauce. So now I'm at a higher risk for pre-term labor and a c-section. I wouldn't say I'm worried. They know about it. My doctor is great. He's been very upfront and to the point. I'm healthy, baby is healthy. I'm at 32 weeks right now. Babies have a 90% survival rate at 32 weeks. Those are decent odds. I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me about the whole thing. This pregnancy was a curve ball from the start. We didn't plan to get pregnant 3 months after getting married. It has been a blessing. God's timing is always best and he of course knows what we need before we do. Now to hear that my body isn't quite what it should be, I guess is a bit disappointing. But that's not it. I just don't know. For now, I just keep praying that baby can stay and cook for at least another 5 weeks. At 37 weeks my doctor won't try to stop labor and I'll be out of school. Life gives you so many challenges. It's not easy for anyone. I think of people who can't get pregnant, those who miscarry early or late, and so many other situations. I am grateful I haven't been crazy sick. Overall, I feel like I've been pretty textbook, fibroid aside. I truly am blessed. I'll keep swinging at the curve balls and hopefully will be able to hit one out of the park.

Happiness

My friend Denae has recommended a couple books in the last few months and I decided to give them a try. The first was "Girl, wash your face" by Rachel Hollis. I listened to this one on audio book, narrated by the author and was surprised how awesome it was. I didn't really have any expectations. Denae raved about it so I gave it a listen. She had some really great points and it's actually a book I think I will purchase for reference. A good kick in the butt to make the changes you want to make in your life. The second books is "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I just started reading it today while I was taking a bath feeling sorry for myself. This week has been a rough one for me, emotionally. I've been trying to ignore it, but today has been my day to snap. I'm overly emotional and poor Bryan gets to deal with me. I literally could not breath I was crying so hard this morning. I'm sure part of all this is the fact that I am sick. Again. Both the emotional-ness and the not breathing, I blame on sickness. It's very frustrating to be sick again. Or maybe still? I'm usually very good at getting over being sick or just not getting sick in the first place, but apparently when your body is growing a human, it doesn't have much left to fight off whatever your 25 little germ machines bring to school with them. Anyway, I started reading "The Happiness Project" not because I was feeling especially unhappy. Mostly because Denae recommended it and the digital copy just became available on my library app so I have 3 weeks to read it. As I lay in the tub reading, she started by saying that she didn't do this project because she was unhappy or depressed, but because she wanted to be happier. That was very relatable to me. I would say I'm mostly a happy person. But lately I definitely have felt like I could be happier. I recognize that I am pregnant and that results in being crazy tired. But I do not like that I am CRANKY. Like super cranky. Especially at school. I struggled with that at the beginning of last year, but felt like by the end I had a pretty good handle on it. I started the year out pretty good (with the exception of two special boys in my class), but I have spiraled down and I just can't stand these little people most days. They drive me crazy and I don't have the patience for it. But I SHOULD. Or at least that's what I tell myself at the end of the day when I'm beating myself up for losing my temper, AGAIN. For calling that kid out in front of the whole class, AGAIN. And for wishing it was Friday, no matter what day it is. I say this, and then I think, why am I having such a hard time turning in my intent to return form? I'm miserable and yet I'm finding it hard to turn in the paper saying I'm not coming back next year. Why? Maybe because I really do love my job. I like being a teacher. I like seeing the kids progress. I like feeling like I'm contributing to society by having a job. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a stay at home mom, so these feelings are startling to me. I know being at home it the best choice for me and my family, but it's still proving to be a really hard decision. Anyway, back to the book. As I started reading, I started thinking of all the things I was doing that were taking away from my happiness. That's one of the downsides to reading self-help books. I start the introspection and sometimes I go a little overboard and start feeling worse about how terrible I'm doing in life. I avoid my step kids. I feel HORRIBLE admitting this, but it's true. Ever since their mom started feeding them crap about how dad was going to make them stay and live in Utah, causing them to be not so nice to Bryan, I haven't wanted to be around them. I eat dinner with them. I ride in the car with them. But if I can stay in my room while they're here for the weekend, I do. If I'm feeling tired or sick on Monday nights when we have them, I let Bryan just go and take them to dinner and I stay home. Then I think what a bad step-parent I am. To add to the horribleness of this, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a hard time when they move to Washington in June. I'll be glad to get to just be with Bryan on the Sundays he doesn't work and can come to church. I'll be glad that I'm not dying inside because my step-daughters skirt is WAY too short. I won't miss my step-son looking like we killed his best friend because he's at church. I mostly feel bad about these things because I know Bryan WILL have a hard time. I don't envy the position he is in. Not even a little bit. He's in a crappy spot, like most divorced parents. His kids are at that awkward, horrible age where they don't want to be with their parents anyway. When I was 14 I definitely wanted to be at my friends' houses. He has to deal with that 2 states away with a mom that is anything but supportive of a relationship with dad. As I dump all my troubles and complaints here, let's add that I haven't felt on top of school for more than a week at a time since October. I hate that. I hate going in in the morning not even 70% sure of what I'm doing that day. I haven't cleaned our bathrooms since October, with the exception of the toilets, because, when your head is in the toilet a good chunk of the time and you already feel terrible, you wipe down the seat and toilet rim and scrub the bowl so it doesn't make you throw up even more. I do laundry because I have to have clean underwear. I have a quilt for my nephew that I've been working on since... who knows when, but he's 5 months old. I haven't had regular prayer or scripture study for more than 3 days in a row in... a really long time. I used to brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face every night. Not a thing anymore. You see how I'm in a downward spiral? I know it. But I just am not 100% sure how to fix it. Don't be so hard on yourself is the response I get a lot. Great. What does that mean. I realize I'm pregnant and have some kind of "excuse". But how much does it actually excuse? I'm not puking every day now. I'm not so physically exhausted after school that I want to die. But I feel so out of control. I'm 34 years old. I should be able to handle things and figure it out. This very minute as I type this answers are coming. Answers I've already gotten but seem to forget quickly. "You're trying to do it on your own." I am. I don't pray. Not because I don't want to but because I'm so tired I fall asleep at 7:30 in my clothes on top of the covers. I'm so tired in the morning, it's a miracle to get out the door on time with a lunch in tote. I sometimes pray in the car on the way to school, but I'm not 100% in it. I'm trying to pay attention to driving so I don't die on the way to school. But maybe that's where I can start. Make that my goal. To pray, really pray morning and night. Talk to God. Ask him for some help. Let him in. I cleaned off my night stand today. I pulled out my box of cards so I can pick one to send to a friend. Maybe I'll go finish that last block for my nephew's quilt while I watch food network and then take a nap. Baby steps to more happiness.

I don't feel like it

I have found that my preconceived notions about how things will be are never quite accurate. I chalk it up to experience. You can't really understand something until you've actually been there. People tell you things are hard and you think, yeah that would be hard. Then you actually do the thing and you're like "oh! that's what they meant by hard". I've had those experiences a few times in my life. The newest experience is pregnancy. There was the "hard" realization, but I just thought I would feel different. Both physically and emotionally. Currently I'm 5 months pregnant and I don't feel like it. I feel like I did before the morning sickness only a little more tired. I thought I would feel different. Morning sickness was the pits, but at least it was what I was expecting. Feel like crap, throw up, want to die. Check, check, check. But now that's gone and all I have are clothes that don't fit and an "excuse" to eat more ice cream. We had our gender scan ultrasound yesterday. We had them put it in an envelope and we are going to do a party on Sunday for my birthday!! Prior to the scan I had my regular appointment with the doctor. Actually the nurse, since the doctor was out delivering a baby. I told her I wasn't really feeling the baby. Not the way people were describing it to me "flutterings" and whatever. I've had a few times I thought "Maybe that was the baby" but dismissed it because it didn't fit the description. The nurse told me to ask the ultrasound tech if the placenta was in the front or the back. If it's in the front it makes it harder to feel baby moving. Guess what? Mine's in the front. :( Emotionally I feel like I should be more excited or more nervous or something, but I'm just like, whatevs. I feel okay so everything must be okay. Shouldn't I be freaking out and reading every baby book and baby blog on the planet? Who has time and energy for that? I say. Maybe when we find out the gender on Sunday and actually start shopping things will change. I don't really know the reason for this post. Just a place to put down my thoughts I guess.

To the life you didn't see coming

I went to the dentist last week. As I sat there talking to the hygienist, she asked, did you imagine this is where you would be a year ago? I laughed and said definitely not. Last year at this time, I was a first year teacher, headed home for Thanksgiving alone with no prospects. I was happy, but alone. Fast forward one year and here I am, a married second year teacher with a ...BABY on the way! Say what!? You really just never know what God has in store and how his time table is going to play out. We weren't planning on a baby this soon, but here we are. I can already see God's hand in the timing. Was it a bit of a shocker? Totally. Did it take me a while to adjust? Still working on it. You have all these plans for your life and then God pops in and says, "How about this?" And you just have to take it and roll with it. I am still having a hard time adjusting to my life plans to the plans God has for us. I suppose it's a good thing I've got 9 months to adjust. As much as one can. It's still so weird to think about. I am growing a person inside of me. Currently little "nut" is the size of a kumquat and is much too small to feel. But there's a baby in there. Sapping my energy and making me throw up at least once a day. If I'm lucky. God has always blessed me beyond what I deserve. Sometimes I haven't seen it, but he truly knows me best and gives me exactly what I need. We'll see how this new adventure goes and where it takes us.

Refiner's Fire

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When big things come up, I think to myself that I know it's going to be hard. People tell me it's going to be hard and I nod my head and say I know and then I actually start the journey through the experience and realize I didn't actually know how hard it was going to be. Serving a mission was like that. I knew it would be hard to learn a language and live in a foreign land and be with a companion 24/7 and possibly not like that companion much, but I could handle it. And then I was in the MTC trying to learn this ridiculous language they call Spanish and I thought, this is REALLY hard. I can't do it. And then I kept going and I did it. It got easier or really my capacity got greater. My first zone leader gave me a little pep talk one day when I was particularly struggling and he talked about the refiner's fire. He talked about how if it's not one thing, it's going to be another. That is how God helps us progress and reach our potential. Shortly after coming home there was a conference talk by Kent D. Watson talking about tempered glass. "Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.
Likewise, a temperate soul --one who is humble and full of love-- is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today's world."

God is tempering me to be able to withstand more. This is both comforting and terrifying. If I need to be stronger, what is ahead.

Next I decided to go back to school to be a teacher. Everyone tells you the first year of teaching is hard. Teachers tell you and people who know nothing about teaching tell you and I nodded my head and said "I know it will be hard." And then I started teaching and realized I didn't actually have any clue how hard it was going to be and I thought, I can't do this. And then I kept on doing it and I made it through my first year of teaching. I learned SO much about myself. I developed greater patience (mostly) and found strengths and talents I didn't previously know I had.

In that journey of teaching I met a wonderful man and fell in love and we decided to get married and I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard work. Unlike my previous "hard things" I didn't have every person telling me how much harder it was going to be when you throw in two kids and an ex-wife. And let me tell you it is HARD. Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing. I love being married to Bryan and his kids are great, but that doesn't make it a piece of cake. I struggle with constant feelings of failure. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I do it. ALL. THE. TIME. I compare myself to invisible people and invisible standards. I recognize that that is pretty normal for anyone, married or not, first marriage or second. I cry because I just don't know who I am some days. I feel like a terrible person for thinking and feeling the way I do.  And the thing that has helped me the most besides pleading on my knees for help and comfort and guidance are the really, REALLY great people God has given me. First, a VERY patient husband, who while he does get frustrated with me for my silly thoughts and ridiculous perception of my shortcomings, listens and still loves me. Second my friends who are in a similar situation. They have done SO much for me in reassuring me that I am normal! I am not some crazy woman who is overanalyzing things that no sane person would every overanalyze. They share that they experienced similar things, that they struggled/are struggling with finding their place and loving the journey. Third, the other people who can't empathize, but they sympathize. They hurt with me even though they don't understand. They let me know they love me and support me.  I know things will always be a roller coaster. That's life, ups and downs. Marriage isn't quite like a mission or the first year of teaching. It doesn't have an end date. We keep moving through eternity with really great times and really rough lows, but I know that I can do it. God has always seen me through my toughest trials and he will help me as I continue to stick close to him and work hard with Bryan to make things as God would have them.

Holt Honeymoon

 Our honeymoon in pictures.