To the life you didn't see coming

I went to the dentist last week. As I sat there talking to the hygienist, she asked, did you imagine this is where you would be a year ago? I laughed and said definitely not. Last year at this time, I was a first year teacher, headed home for Thanksgiving alone with no prospects. I was happy, but alone. Fast forward one year and here I am, a married second year teacher with a ...BABY on the way! Say what!? You really just never know what God has in store and how his time table is going to play out. We weren't planning on a baby this soon, but here we are. I can already see God's hand in the timing. Was it a bit of a shocker? Totally. Did it take me a while to adjust? Still working on it. You have all these plans for your life and then God pops in and says, "How about this?" And you just have to take it and roll with it. I am still having a hard time adjusting to my life plans to the plans God has for us. I suppose it's a good thing I've got 9 months to adjust. As much as one can. It's still so weird to think about. I am growing a person inside of me. Currently little "nut" is the size of a kumquat and is much too small to feel. But there's a baby in there. Sapping my energy and making me throw up at least once a day. If I'm lucky. God has always blessed me beyond what I deserve. Sometimes I haven't seen it, but he truly knows me best and gives me exactly what I need. We'll see how this new adventure goes and where it takes us.

Refiner's Fire

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When big things come up, I think to myself that I know it's going to be hard. People tell me it's going to be hard and I nod my head and say I know and then I actually start the journey through the experience and realize I didn't actually know how hard it was going to be. Serving a mission was like that. I knew it would be hard to learn a language and live in a foreign land and be with a companion 24/7 and possibly not like that companion much, but I could handle it. And then I was in the MTC trying to learn this ridiculous language they call Spanish and I thought, this is REALLY hard. I can't do it. And then I kept going and I did it. It got easier or really my capacity got greater. My first zone leader gave me a little pep talk one day when I was particularly struggling and he talked about the refiner's fire. He talked about how if it's not one thing, it's going to be another. That is how God helps us progress and reach our potential. Shortly after coming home there was a conference talk by Kent D. Watson talking about tempered glass. "Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.
Likewise, a temperate soul --one who is humble and full of love-- is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today's world."

God is tempering me to be able to withstand more. This is both comforting and terrifying. If I need to be stronger, what is ahead.

Next I decided to go back to school to be a teacher. Everyone tells you the first year of teaching is hard. Teachers tell you and people who know nothing about teaching tell you and I nodded my head and said "I know it will be hard." And then I started teaching and realized I didn't actually have any clue how hard it was going to be and I thought, I can't do this. And then I kept on doing it and I made it through my first year of teaching. I learned SO much about myself. I developed greater patience (mostly) and found strengths and talents I didn't previously know I had.

In that journey of teaching I met a wonderful man and fell in love and we decided to get married and I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard work. Unlike my previous "hard things" I didn't have every person telling me how much harder it was going to be when you throw in two kids and an ex-wife. And let me tell you it is HARD. Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing. I love being married to Bryan and his kids are great, but that doesn't make it a piece of cake. I struggle with constant feelings of failure. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I do it. ALL. THE. TIME. I compare myself to invisible people and invisible standards. I recognize that that is pretty normal for anyone, married or not, first marriage or second. I cry because I just don't know who I am some days. I feel like a terrible person for thinking and feeling the way I do.  And the thing that has helped me the most besides pleading on my knees for help and comfort and guidance are the really, REALLY great people God has given me. First, a VERY patient husband, who while he does get frustrated with me for my silly thoughts and ridiculous perception of my shortcomings, listens and still loves me. Second my friends who are in a similar situation. They have done SO much for me in reassuring me that I am normal! I am not some crazy woman who is overanalyzing things that no sane person would every overanalyze. They share that they experienced similar things, that they struggled/are struggling with finding their place and loving the journey. Third, the other people who can't empathize, but they sympathize. They hurt with me even though they don't understand. They let me know they love me and support me.  I know things will always be a roller coaster. That's life, ups and downs. Marriage isn't quite like a mission or the first year of teaching. It doesn't have an end date. We keep moving through eternity with really great times and really rough lows, but I know that I can do it. God has always seen me through my toughest trials and he will help me as I continue to stick close to him and work hard with Bryan to make things as God would have them.

Holt Honeymoon

 Our honeymoon in pictures.

One perfect day

The day before my wedding I was a hot mess. I had so much anxiety in the evening I was running up and down the aisles at Winco trying to calm my racing heart. To say I didn't sleep much that night would be an understatement, but when I finally got out of bed Friday morning I was as calm as could be. Nervous but not anxious. Julie and Jamee did a fantastic job on my hair and makeup and I was almost ready on time. 😉 Bryan was a bit anxious when he came in and I was still eating breakfast, but we still made it to the temple 20 minutes early.
Everything went smoothly once we arrived. Both our dads were there and ready to sign the paperwork. Mom helped me get ready and then I went out to meet Bryan. We went up to the Celestial room and sat there together for a long time. Then we went and met with our sealer. As expected he was very old, but as not expected he was very long winded. We sat with him for about 10 minutes listening to what he had to tell us and were excited when he led us into the sealing room filled with our family and friends. Unfortunately, he then proceeded to repeat everything he had just told us to our room of people. We were definitely ready to get on with it. 😂😂
Sometimes I think I'm going to have to fake a reaction for pictures. I thought that when I got engaged and when we did pictures and I thought that leaving the temple I'd need to give an extra boost to my smile just so people would be sure to know how happy I was, but wouldn't you know it, when you're really happy your face can communicate that all on it's own without any extra help. 😄

It was a little warm outside the temple and there was complaining from the peanut gallery for sure, but I enjoyed myself. Sure we were squinting, but unfortunately that's the only place at the temple that has leveled steps to accommodate a wedding party as large as ours, so I tried not to be irritated by the comments being made and just enjoy myself.
Katie recruited some of my friends to go help her at the church with the final preparations for the luncheon. She opened up the doors to try and help the smell from the newly refinished gym floor at the church and she did a great job of easing that burden from my load. I have really awesome friends.

 The reception was the thing that dreams are made of. I could not have asked for a more perfect party celebrating our wedding. John and Jill went above and beyond, making their backyard a summer reception dreamland.

Our families did so much work getting everything all set up. The ice cream machines were heavy and somewhat of a pain to get up and going, but having the ice cream was just what I hoped it would be. I was told the cookies and mini cupcakes were delish, but I only got to sample one, thanks to my cute little "nephew" Hyram, who kept coming up to me "aunt Cathy, can I do this? aunt Cathy, do you see this? aunt Cathy did you know this? aunt Cathy, do you want this little cupcake?" So. Freaking. Adorable. 😍
As per the usual, aunt Tammy delivered a cake that was exactly what I asked for. She and her family did so much to help. I just love them and I'm so grateful for the relationship we have built over my lifetime.

Really Bryan's family and my family made everything possible in the execution of my plans. I really have hit the jackpot in the in-law department. I love this text Jill sent the day before our wedding that one of her kids said "dude, we're getting a new aunt tomorrow!!!!" All the heart eyes.😍 I seriously love those kids.
I was so surprised and felt so loved by all the people who came to the reception. Sometimes I feel like I really don't have that many friends, but it's a lie I tell myself. I have SO many dear, dear people in my life. Friends who drove hundreds of miles, a friend who flew from Texas, old roommates, teacher friends, old bishops, mission companions and my mission president, high school friends, one of my second graders and two of my fifth graders, seriously every time I looked up my mouth dropped and I did a little happy dance to see who had come to celebrate with us. It was honestly the best day ever.

Two funerals and a wedding

June is flying by and I can't believe I get married in a couple days. This weekend was one for the books. Jamee and I left early Thursday morning for Idaho. The AC on her car went out so that was an added bonus since it was 80 degrees at 6 in the morning. We made great time to Idaho and met my mom and sister at the craft store that's going out of business. My sister had told me earlier in the week that my grandpa Van would probably die that week. While we were standing in the store, my sister whispered to me that he had passed early that morning. When we went outside to the cars, my mom told me as well. While it didn't come with quite the shock my grandmother's passing did, it was still sad. It has been sad to watch my parents, lose on of their parents.
My mom was oober stressed having to make the trip to Twin Falls to clean out grandpa's room, arrange a funeral and do my bridal shower. The morning of my shower she was a hot mess. Luckily my dad stepped up to plate to lighten her load. It was so tender to see him helping her without a hint of irritation or annoyance. I know it helped my mom a lot.
The night before my bridal shower was busy with last minute shopping for the party so we didn't get to watch the movie my sister had planned but we did all get together in our MATCHING PINK PAJAMAS to chat a little and of course take a picture. 

My bridal shower was beautiful! My sister chose the theme of doughnuts, stemming from this blog actually. 😄 The decorations and food were absolutely perfect and I felt so loved seeing all the people who came to celebrate me and my upcoming wedding. My long time friend Emmily came from Pocatello with her adorable daughter, my 2nd grade bestie came from Meridian and of course brought lots of laughs with her, and of course my sister from Oregon, my cousins and my aunt.
I had the chance afterward to go and see the sealing of my good friend Danizza and her husband Tim to 7 of their 8 adopted children. It was so tender to see them all kneeling around the altar and feel of their love for each other. Tim and Dani are saints for sure.

Jamee and I left Saturday night to be back for Father's Day. I spent Sunday evening with Bryan's family celebrating dads. I am grateful for the good dad he is to his two kids and of course for my own dad who has done so much for me and taught me so many life lessons.
My grandpa's funeral was on Tuesday. Jamee and I drove up to Centerville and met up with Jon to make the drive to Burley for the funeral. When I was in Idaho for the shower mom said it was like deja vu to aunt Suzanne's wedding. Her grandpa died just before her wedding and her mom (my grandma) had to plan a funeral right before a wedding. Aunt Suzanne said to tell me to remember not to forget that everything was still about me and my wedding and it was okay to plan things around me.
I had never been to a military funeral before and it was actually really cool, but totally tear jerking. I totally lost it when they handed my mom the flag and thanked her for my grandpa's service. I was surprised by the number of family members who came. Uncle James and Duane from Washington, Emma and Ryan from Provo, JB from St. Anthony and of course Uncle Don and his family and all of my family. Coral was a welcome comic relief during some very sad moments.
And so within a month I attended two funerals and will have my wedding in just a couple days. Grandma Van and aunt Tammy will also get the two funerals since grandma's brother in law died the morning of the funeral and they will hurry back after the wedding to go to Uncle Bill's funeral in Boise.
Some people might think that it was poor timing and maybe so, but neither my grandma Schultz or my grandpa Van would have been able to come to my wedding because of their health and this way they both will and grandpa Schultz might come down as well.
When we got back from the funeral, Jamee came over to get me ready for bridal/groomal photos. I haven't seen them all, but what I have seen, they are fantastic!😍

Life is busy

I always think my life is pretty boring and nothing ever happens and then I stop and think, "Wow! How is it already June?! Where did the time go?" And I realize that while it might not be super exciting, life is busy and full of great things and great people.

I finished my first year of teaching last week! I survived a year with 25 little people who taught me SO much. I made A LOT of mistakes, but I think overall it was a success. I'm excited to go into next year with all the knowledge I have gained and strive to be a better teacher and continue to learn and improve.
My grandmother Schultz passed away the day before Memorial Day. I wouldn't say that I was especially close to my grandma, but I was always happy to see her. I'm 33 years old and this was the first grandparent that I have lost. I cried for a good hour. I had to get a sub for the 2nd to last day of school and made the trek up to Idaho for the funeral. Bryan went with me and it was very touching to hear her children share memories of her. I realized I have a lot more in common with her than I thought and heard some things that made me want to be just like grandma. My dad shared that whenever he went over to visit he felt like she was happy to see him. That he was her favorite. I want to be that person. That person who makes other people feel like they are loved and valued and that I am really happy they are there. We had two tornado warnings while we were driving to the cemetery and let me tell you, that was craziness!

After I finished school on the first (I only had 12 kids come to school, it was awesome!), my cousin and I started our trek north to Idaho. Saturday morning, my parents, cousin and I headed to Oregon to visit my sister and her family for my nieces first birthday. She is SO adorable. They came back with us and will be here until my wedding.

On the way back we stopped in Twin Falls and stayed with Katie so she could take some bridal pictures. I got too hot and locked my knees and almost passed out so that was a fun adventure. Thursday we headed back so I could go to the gyno (yippee) and meet with my bishop for my living ordinance recommend.
Today we got a new car since mine is still in the shop and I hate it and I want to never see it ever again. We also got our marriage license today. 13 days and counting. Only a few more things to check off the list. This biggest and most stressful for me right now is packing up my life to move. I'm excited for the wedding and this new adventure they call marriage. I'll be so glad when the wedding is over and I can get into a normal routine and start finding balance again.

How it all began

Once upon a time there was a girl who was on dating apps. It wasn't her favorite thing, but it was the only way she ever went on dates. She matched with hundreds of men, some great, some not so great. She went on lots of dates, some great, some not so great. And she was afraid that this would be her lot in life. A perpetual dater. Then one day she saw a new dating app advertised on Instagram and decided to give it a try. It wasn't her favorite app ever. She got a few matches and one of them started to talk to her. Little did she know when she agreed to a first date, that it would be her last first date.

That's it. That's the exciting story of how I met Bryan. We had both been on the app less than a week. We met at Cafe Rio for our first date. We saw each other 5-6 days a week for the first 3 weeks. By date #4 we were exclusive. Day 10 I was just waiting for him to say I love you, so I could say it back. I don't know why that was a thing for me, to wait for him to say it first, but we were only 10 days in and I felt a little silly saying it. I barely knew him! I met his family at the beginning of February and we were already talking marriage at that point. 3 weeks later we made the drive up to Idaho so he could meet my parents. I guess you could say we are the typical Mormons and I'm really okay with that. As my dad says, "when you know, you know. Why wait?"

At the beginning of March we went ring shopping and picked out the most beautiful ring. It's simple and I love it. He isn't very good with secrets so I knew when he had picked it up and I knew where we were going for him to propose. What better place for this Disney fan girl than the happiest place on earth? My cousin was there to record it for us and it was fun to have some people around to cheer. We spent the whole day at Disneyland and it was perfect.

He has two kids who I adore (girl-13 and boy-10). They are really great kids. They make me laugh and I'm finally getting over feeling like an idiot when I'm around them. I am also going from 1 niece and my 3 adopted nephews to his 13 nieces and nephews. Yesterday at Easter dinner, his almost 8 year old nephew called me "aunt Cathy" and it was just the cutest!

Wedding planning is stressing me out, but I'm on spring break and I'm determined to knock some things out and feel on top of it. I've made myself a to-do list and I'm going to work on it diligently. Hopefully by the beginning of next month, there will only be a few tiny things to take care of. The biggest stress in all the wedding planning for me is waiting for the temple clearance. If anyone is looking for something to fast for this next Sunday, I'd take all the extra help we can get.

I never would have thought in December when I had ZERO prospects that I would be planning a wedding for June?! I am so blessed to have found someone who treats me so well and shows me in so many ways that he loves and values me. I hope he feels that I do the same for him. I'm excited for this new adventure in my life!