Where is my will?

This week was a little rough. I might have had a breakdown on Wednesday. I was overdue for one. Cried it out, got a hug, had a good laugh, went running, life was good. But as I got to pondering why I had the breakdown in the first place I realized that I need to change something. First thing, don't get too invested too quickly, but after that, I realized I need to figure out where my will is. Friday night at the temple the scripture minute was Doctrine and Covenants 6:36. This was one of my themes on the mission. I sometimes struggle to look to the Lord in all things. I doubt. I fear.

This morning I read Elder Bednar's talk "That We Might "Not Shrink", because maybe my problem isn't that I don't have the faith to "be healed" or that the Lord can do something, but my problem is that I don't have the faith for him to NOT do it. Just because he can, doesn't mean that it's part of his plan and for me that's harder to accept.

"But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve."

I am fighting this battle with the natural man. I demand impatiently the blessings I want, think I deserve and know the Lord could grant. But that is not how it works. I have to allow my will to be swallowed up in the Lord's will. I have to accept what he gives me and sometimes that includes what he chooses not to give me. I may think I know best, and I know what the possibilities are, but I have to come to grips with the fact that sometimes, the test is to accept what doesn't happen.

So I'm working on aligning my will with the Lord's. I'm sure it will be a long trip filled with relapse and relearning the same lesson again and again. Good thing the Lord is endlessly patient with me.