I should be sleeping

It's Wednesday night. 11:45. I've been tired since 7. Work is kicking my butt. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but I've been laying here not being able to go to sleep and I took some NyQuil so maybe that will kick in soon and knock me out. In the meantime I thought I'd jot down some thoughts I had while I was laying here, not sleeping.
Sometimes I think I'm afraid of relationships because I don't feel like I have a lot to offer. It's always in a worldly way though. When I think about supporting a husband while he finishes school, I think "How would I do that?" Sure I have a degree, but it's not something I want to do anything with. Then I think of conversations I would have with this potential suitor and what I would say about working and why I don't want to do anything with my degree and why I studied what I did and blah blah blah. These are the thoughts I came up with in this imaginary conversation.
"Why did you study broadcasting?"
"To tell you the truth, it was because I didn't know what else to study. I liked working with the cameras when I would go to work with my dad and thought it would be fun. I enjoyed my job working with video productions, but never really loved broadcasting. It's such a competitive field, both broadcasting and video production and I just didn't have the passion I would need for it."
"So what are you passionate about?"
"Well there is one thing I can think of. When I was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd say, 'A nurse or a mom' or 'A teacher or a mom'. 'An air traffic controller or a mom'. The first one changed frequently, but the second one never did. That is what I am passionate about. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family of my own and teach them the gospel and how to love people and encourage them to make a difference in the world. I think the only thing I might be more passionate about is watching my husband be a dad."

And then I don't know what he would say or what I would say, but it's a good passion. I had someone tell me I should have a backup plan, and maybe they're right, but it's still the best plan even if it doesn't happen in this life.

Life is really good. God really REALLY loves me. I have seen that over and over and over again. He has a plan for me and things will work out the best way possible. I may never get to live out my passion in this life, but that doesn't mean I have to give up hope. There are never wasted experiences in life. God knows what he's doing and I'm going to trust in that.

I may not have things totally figured out, but I know what I ultimately want and I'm not going to compromise. I may have to do other things in the meantime, but I'm going to enjoy the journey, learn from the pain, and be the best Cathy I can.