Refiner's Fire

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When big things come up, I think to myself that I know it's going to be hard. People tell me it's going to be hard and I nod my head and say I know and then I actually start the journey through the experience and realize I didn't actually know how hard it was going to be. Serving a mission was like that. I knew it would be hard to learn a language and live in a foreign land and be with a companion 24/7 and possibly not like that companion much, but I could handle it. And then I was in the MTC trying to learn this ridiculous language they call Spanish and I thought, this is REALLY hard. I can't do it. And then I kept going and I did it. It got easier or really my capacity got greater. My first zone leader gave me a little pep talk one day when I was particularly struggling and he talked about the refiner's fire. He talked about how if it's not one thing, it's going to be another. That is how God helps us progress and reach our potential. Shortly after coming home there was a conference talk by Kent D. Watson talking about tempered glass. "Tempered glass, like tempered steel, undergoes a well-controlled heating process which increases strength. Thus, when tempered glass is under stress, it will not easily break into jagged shards that can injure.
Likewise, a temperate soul --one who is humble and full of love-- is also a person of increased spiritual strength. With increased spiritual strength, we are able to develop self-mastery and to live with moderation. We learn to control, or temper, our anger, vanity, and pride. With increased spiritual strength, we can protect ourselves from the dangerous excesses and destructive addictions of today's world."

God is tempering me to be able to withstand more. This is both comforting and terrifying. If I need to be stronger, what is ahead.

Next I decided to go back to school to be a teacher. Everyone tells you the first year of teaching is hard. Teachers tell you and people who know nothing about teaching tell you and I nodded my head and said "I know it will be hard." And then I started teaching and realized I didn't actually have any clue how hard it was going to be and I thought, I can't do this. And then I kept on doing it and I made it through my first year of teaching. I learned SO much about myself. I developed greater patience (mostly) and found strengths and talents I didn't previously know I had.

In that journey of teaching I met a wonderful man and fell in love and we decided to get married and I had heard my whole life that marriage is hard work. Unlike my previous "hard things" I didn't have every person telling me how much harder it was going to be when you throw in two kids and an ex-wife. And let me tell you it is HARD. Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing. I love being married to Bryan and his kids are great, but that doesn't make it a piece of cake. I struggle with constant feelings of failure. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but I do it. ALL. THE. TIME. I compare myself to invisible people and invisible standards. I recognize that that is pretty normal for anyone, married or not, first marriage or second. I cry because I just don't know who I am some days. I feel like a terrible person for thinking and feeling the way I do.  And the thing that has helped me the most besides pleading on my knees for help and comfort and guidance are the really, REALLY great people God has given me. First, a VERY patient husband, who while he does get frustrated with me for my silly thoughts and ridiculous perception of my shortcomings, listens and still loves me. Second my friends who are in a similar situation. They have done SO much for me in reassuring me that I am normal! I am not some crazy woman who is overanalyzing things that no sane person would every overanalyze. They share that they experienced similar things, that they struggled/are struggling with finding their place and loving the journey. Third, the other people who can't empathize, but they sympathize. They hurt with me even though they don't understand. They let me know they love me and support me.  I know things will always be a roller coaster. That's life, ups and downs. Marriage isn't quite like a mission or the first year of teaching. It doesn't have an end date. We keep moving through eternity with really great times and really rough lows, but I know that I can do it. God has always seen me through my toughest trials and he will help me as I continue to stick close to him and work hard with Bryan to make things as God would have them.