All by myself

I should be writing about the adventures of 2nd grade, but that's not what this is about. Yesterday I had a rough day and I put it out there that it was school that made it so terrible, and surely school has contributed. I'm tired and my kids are crazy and they frustrate me to no end, but the thing that set me off yesterday was loneliness. Maybe even rejection. When you come home from a long day of 25 seven year-olds talking non-stop and trying to figure out what the crap you're supposed to be teaching them and how on earth you will fit everything in when they have 7 specials a week and an hour of "Fun Friday" every Friday which is a short day anyway, and they won't stay quiet for more than a minute and a half, and they don't listen to ANYTHING you say, all I really want is someone to be excited to see me. Someone to ask how my day was and to really care. Someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing okay. Instead I come home to an empty house, warm up my leftovers, watch Netflix and eat Oreos.
I went on two dates in the last two weeks. The first one seemed very successful, we got ice cream and chatted for an hour and a half. At the end he asked if I'd like to go out again and planned something tentatively for the weekend. He even text me the next two days to see how my day was going. Then nothing. I still haven't heard from him and we obviously didn't go out again. Rejection #1. The next one occurred earlier this week. Similar story, we got ice cream and talked for 2 hours. He said something like let's do this again and now I haven't heard from him. Rejection #2.
 While I realize that this is very normal, as I've experienced it many, MANY times before, this week I just couldn't take it. I look at 25 little kids every day. Anyone of them could could very easily be my own child. I do like being a teacher. I think I made the right choice. But that doesn't change the fact that there is still a very large hole in my life. One that won't be easily filled. One that requires so much faith and patience on my part. Some days, I just don't have it. I honestly question God on a regular basis. While I know he has a good plan, I often wonder if he couldn't speed things up a bit. What on earth am I supposed to be learning from waiting so long? And as I see so many older singles I really do question if this is his plan. Does he really want so many of us to be as old as we are and still be single? I realize Satan is working hard, but really, can't he just lift a finger to help us out?! I know that he is in my life far more than I realize and that he is doing more than lifting a finger, but it's so hard when you really don't see much evidence of it. I prayed in the car this morning and spent a good 10 minutes of thinking of things I'm grateful for and I have a lot, but I'm still so sad about what is missing. I suppose that's okay. It's a big thing, an important thing and I don't want it to become unimportant to me, but sometimes it's just so much heartache that I just have to shake my fist at God a little bit. I know he understands. He's shaking his head, patting me on the head, smiling to himself because he knows what's in store and I don't. I hope I can hold out. I'm just so tired of being by myself.