Sometimes

You get hit in the face by something you weren't expecting at all. I go back and forth with how I feel about change. I'm usually on the dislike side of things.
I've known for a while that I'd need to find a new job sometime in the near-ish future. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it was coming. I felt ready for change. A new job would be great. And now here it is. Time to change. Have to find a new job. You know what? I don't like it. Finding a job is hard. Then you start thinking, why? Why can't I find a job? Should I be looking somewhere else? Should I move? Where should I move? I don't want to move. And it's frustrating and makes me anxious and sad and  . . . and . . . scared. Terrified even. Where the heck am I going?! Where should I go!?
Good thing I know it'll all work out. I've just got to have some faith, keep at it, work for it, even though it's hard. Things will be okay. God has a plan. He's given me a way to get a little glimpse of the plan so I can take the steps I need to, but DEAR ME it's really not any fun at all.

So in the meantime I checked out pinterest to get some inspiration and cheer me up a little. Here is what I found. 

Home Teachers

Today was one of those days. You think everything is fine and then BAM! It hits you (don't ask me what "it" is, I'm still unsure). But when it hits you, say goodbye to any make-up you put on this morning and any hopes of containing the waterworks that won't stop coming. It's awful. You're not really sure what's wrong, nothing really happened, but no matter how hard you try, you are not going to win this one.
There I am, minding my own business sitting in Sunday School, pondering on life and the testimonies I had just heard in Sacrament meeting when the tears start. I tried to stop it, but I was caught! Once someone catches you and asks if you're okay, there's not much of a chance to stop them.
I managed to get them somewhat under control, but Relief Society brought on an entirely new flood. Lucky for me my friend Catie had a package of tissues with her or it would have been even uglier than it was. I somehow made it through, only to completely break down when a girl (Sarah) in my ward came and gave me a hug. That was followed by more hugs and then a very quick exit. Once in my car I headed home to put some of that makeup I lost back on.
I made it through visiting teaching without any problems, surprisingly. Then I went to deliver Valentines to the girl in my district for compassionate service. Made it through that okay, UNTIL I got to Sarah's house. MELT DOWN. By this time I knew I needed to ask for a blessing, but for some reason it's SO difficult to ask for one. I told Sarah and told her to hold me accountable, I had it all worked out, I'd ask at the ward Break the Fast. After crying it out at Sarah's we headed to Break the Fast. The very first thing I did was walk up to Kory and ask for a blessing after Break the Fast. When he said okay, I said thanks and quickly walked away, trying desperately to hold my composure. The food was good and I even managed to socialize a bit, not that's it's too difficult since everyone in my ward is so great.
After everything was cleaned up I sat on the stage and waited for Kory and Josh to finish with their socializing and then we headed for a classroom. Sadly my composure only made it that far. I could barely get out what the problem was and give them my full name. Kory gave me a beautiful blessing and I felt so much better. Luckily there was a box of tissues in the classroom because I definitely needed them.
Afterward they each gave me a hug and poor Josh had to deal with me sobbing into his shirt as I lost it yet again.
I can't even express how grateful I am that they were both willing and able to give me a blessing on the spot. I've had home teachers before, but I just don't know that I had that much trust in them to ask them for something like this.
Thank you Kory and Josh for being there for me and for being worthy Priesthood holders. You're the best.
Love, Cathy
(p.s. don't worry about me people, everything is under control and contrary to what this looks like, I'm really okay. Sometimes I'm just emotional. Today was one of those times.)

Can't be good

The other day at my birthday party, my friend David asked me if I was baby hungry. This was not completely out of the blue since he was holding my friend Katie's baby and my age is not a secret. I responded that I was not. I had babysat Katie's other two children enough to not have that problem. (At least not to a degree where I'll admit it). I guess I find I should go in order. You should get married before you have a baby. I know I've written about this before, but let's be honest, I'm guessing most unmarried LDS (and others) women around my age think about marriage more than we'd like to admit. There are a multitude of reasons. I'm sick of dating, being lonely and I want to start a family before I get to an age where I'll be mistaken for the kids grandparent instead of the parent. Those are my top reasons. Then you give me facebook where everyone posts pictures of their beautiful families, their engagement pictures, and all around "perfect lives". I am not naive enough to believe they have perfect lives, I have after all babysat Katie's kids, read your blogs, and had people tell my mom, they thought my family looked perfect (hello? really?) Add to facebook,

It doesn't really help my situation very much. Basically, I should completely skip out on social media, get married, or just get over it. I dont' really see any of those things happening any time soon. Oh dear. I suppose I'll just keep plugging along, working on bettering myself, and living the gospel. God knows what he's doing.
I'm not really feeling sorry for myself (not too much anyway) this has just been on my mind lately.
Dear Doughnut,
I'm trying to be patient, but I'm failing. Please hurry.
Love, Cathy