Traditions

I like traditions. I'm very sentimental and I love having "your thing". When we don't get pajamas at Christmas I'm a little heartbroken even though I really don't need any more pajamas. I like things to stay the same. That is of course, impossible.

My family has had family pictures taken every year since pretty much forever. Definitely since 1988. That's a long time. We used to always get them taken by the same company, but the high school doesn't do that fundraiser any more so we have had to turn to other avenues. This makes it more difficult to be consistent. Two years ago (2013) we took them in November at Thanksgiving and mom didn't even put them on the wall until October. Last year (2014) we took them in December. And this year (2015) we didn't take them. We were all together in November, but it didn't happen. Then we weren't all home for Christmas so it didn't happen then either. We figured maybe we could take them in January and pretend they were from 2015, but then that didn't look like it would happen then either.

I went home this last weekend and schedules just weren't allowing for it to happen. Sunday came and we hadn't taken them and mom and dad had church at 11, Kevin had church at 1, and the rest had church at 1:50 and I was planning on leaving at 3 so I didn't have to drive too much in the dark. I accepted that that is how life goes. Sometimes things just don't work out how you would have hoped. Things change. I said to Julie "it had to happen sometime". Then a small miracle and tender mercy to me happened. There were too many people in the library at church so mom could leave and dad got someone else to conduct the high priests. One problem, Kevin just left for church. So I text him and asked him if he would come home for just a minute. He did. He's the best. The shirts we got were a little big, but everyone put them on and we went outside to take our family picture. With a selfie stick. That is what we have been reduced to. And you know what? I don't even care. I was just so happy that we got the pictures taken. Kevin was late for church and we are squinting in all the pictures, but they got taken. Things may not always stay the same or change to how you want them, but you have to enjoy what you do have and make the best of every moment.

My Way

Life is hard. Interacting with people is hard. We all have our own way of thinking and doing things and it's very easy to get into the mindset that our way is the BEST way and quite possibly the ONLY way to do things. Sometimes our way really is the best way, but it is NOT the only way and just because it might be best doesn't mean that everyone else has to think so or that they have to do it that way. As I get older I find myself more and more often telling myself that it's okay. It's okay that they don't do it my way, even though my way is better. I have to tell myself this repeatedly because it's so easy to fall into the trap that my way is the ONLY way and that if they aren't doing it my way they are probably terrible people and that the world is going to end. A bit dramatic I know, but sometimes in my tired and frustrated mind that is how it seems. So here's to being more open minded and accepting that people can do things how they want. They can keep their stuff and put it where they want. They can inform people or keep things to themselves. They can spend their money how they want. They eat vegan. They can use 18 rolls of toilet paper in a week. This is life and most of things don't affect me at all.

College was good

I really loved college. I loved class and work and the people I met and the adventures I went on. I feel like the friends I made in college were quality. Obviously not all of those friendships stuck. We're facebook friends, but it doesn't extend much beyond that. And that is perfectly okay. But some of those friends, although they may not be much more than facebook posts, mean a lot. My first year or two of college I helped with video production. I was the only girl on the crew and we all just got along great. Jared and Scot were two of my favorites. They were hard workers and loved to have fun. I loved doing shows with them. Eventually they graduated and moved on with life, as they should and then I went on my mission. While in my second area I got a wedding announcement from Jared. This may not seem like a big deal, but for me it was something really special. This wasn't an announcement sent to my parents and then forwarded on to me, this was addressed to me, in Spain. IN SPAIN. Not only did he have to pay additional postage to get it to me, but I wasn't on facebook. I didn't post my address on any wedding page or google doc. He had to talk to my parents and get that address. Even sitting here writing about it, I'm crying. It's a silly small thing, that meant and means so much to me. At that point in time I hadn't seen or talked to him for a couple years.
 And now here I am 8 years later (8! how did that happen?) and Jared is still such a great friend to me. With his busy life of work and a family, when I needed a new computer (a year ago) he messaged me and let me know what kind of good deals there were and today when I finally ordered one, he helped me with the ordering, calling me from the airport on his way to London and Beijing, gave me some recommendations and made sure everything was good to go. He's basically the best ever. God is always reminding me that there is good in the world. I just have to REMEMBER and always make sure to look for it. Thanks Jared. And thanks God.

Expectations

Life is difficult. No question about it. No matter where you are in life, you have something that is hard. And to add insult to injury you have expectations to magnify the problem. Whether they are your expectations or someone else's, they are there, making everything harder.  And it's really lame. Why ruin something with the expectation of how you think it should be. OR have it ruined by what someone else thinks it should be. I can think of a few examples, a job, the mission, roommates, dating, but the ones I am specifically thinking of are engagement and marriage.

Our culture (specifically my religious culture) has given people this ridiculous expectation of  how things should be. I say culture, because there is no doctrine written ANYWHERE of how things "should" be. There is no time line to follow, no deadlines, no expiration dates on blessings. And yet every time you go to the home ward, you get those well meaning people (and I truly, honestly believe they are well meaning) who ask you how you're doing and if you're dating anyone. And when you say no, they look a little bit sad for you, and then tell you something like "you'll find him". And you're conditioned to be sad and a little disappointed right along with them.

And then (this is where I'm really going with all this) you have the societal norm along with the cultural norm, that your younger sibling shouldn't get married before you do. I've heard stories, seen movies, and witnessed first hand the pity (yes pity) people have for that older sibling who has to watch their younger sibling get married before them. Not only have you failed at accomplishing this coveted milestone, but now someone younger than you HAS accomplished it. And apparently you should also feel bad about this. And they give you their pity and ask you how you're doing. And I don't think they believe you when you say that you are fine. I understand that. How many times to we say we are fine when we really aren't? But honest to goodness, sometimes people really are fine. So don't try and tell me otherwise. Don't tell me (or anyone else) how I should feel. Don't put your expectations on me. Stop projecting how you would feel, or think you would feel, on other people. If you feel a certain way, that's fine, but it doesn't mean that I have to feel that way too. We all experience life differently.

Before I continue, I'm going to confess right here, that I'm not always fine. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes you write things like this to your aunt. "I thought about calling you this weekend, but I figured I would just cry the whole time so I decided to write instead. Still crying, but I don't have to try and talk at the same time. Lately (as I creep up on my 31st birthday and make the decision to move to the family ward) I find myself in one of two places. I'm either completely apathetic towards marriage, thinking the single life is really quite the deal and who would ever want to leave it or, as Anne Shirley would say, in the depths of despair. Wanting desperately to be married, but not having much hope that it will actually happen. Then throw in the fact that it's only a matter of time (short time if you ask me) that my sister gets married. Mostly I think I'm okay with it. He's great, she's great, I wouldn't wish being single for six more years (or more) on anyone least of all my sister, but it's still really hard. I guess I'm struggling to find a balance of being happy where I am without giving up hope for something different in the future."

My sister called me last night. I didn't think anything of it. She scolded me for not answering, I told her sorry, I was working in the temple. Sterling called me a butt, I called him a butt. Then Julie told me to be nice because that butt broke the curse. I was super confused for half a second and then it clicked. The curse. The family curse of being single. I was SOOOOO excited. Like legitimately ecstatic. I think I even jumped up and down a little as I got out of my car. 100% happy for my sister. And then the expectations crept into my little brain. Those expectations I've built up, those that others have built up, and I cried. I was honestly so happy for her. SO happy. But I was sad for me. I tried not to be, I tried to hide it, but I was already an emotional puddle having worked my last shift at the temple that night. I got off the phone with her and just cried. And called my mom and cried. UGLY cried. But I think more than anything, the emotion I was feeling was confusion. I didn't know how to feel. I was happy. But how could that be!? She is getting what I've always wanted and I'm the oldest! I should be bitter and angry and sad and jealous. And I'm not. 

I am not all of those things.  And that's what confuses me. I am sad. Expectation or not, realistic or not, I am sad. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. Always, always when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said a mom. I might tack on a teacher or a nurse, but mom was always there with it. And here I am, age 30, single, working full time, cooking dinner for one, cleaning up after roommates, trying to figure out what I want to do in life. Not married. Not a mom. And that is okay. Difficult? yes. Disappointing? absolutely. Discouraging? you bet. But the end of the world? No. Am I less of a person because I'm not married? Nope. Do I need someone to "complete" me? Nope. I'm a whole person all by myself. Would I love to have a lifelong companion to make decisions with and work through life's troubles with? duh. But my life can still be fulfilling. And I can still be happy for other people. And it doesn't diminish me or them. 

So for everyone wondering, I am okay. I'm not faking it. I am happy for my sister. I told my mom and my cousin last night and maybe even my sister, I can't remember, that I was 90% happy and 10% sad. But I don't think that's actually true. I am 100% happy. 100% happy that my sister has found a man who treats her well, loves her and is committed to living with all her craziness for the rest of forever. 100% happy that I get a brother in law I like. 100% happy that sooner rather than later I will be an aunt. Am I 10% sad? yes. Will I have bad days? I'm sure. But I'm determined not to let expectations, mine or those of others, steal my joy. 

Sissy Pie, I love you so much and I'm so happy for you!

Changes

This week will be my last week working at the Provo temple. It's closing for two weeks for it's biannual cleaning and I am being released, since I will be in the new temple district. It's very bittersweet. I have worked in the that temple for almost 3 years. While not the most beautiful temple on the outside, it is so beautiful on the inside and will always hold a very special place in my heart. I have learned so much in my time as a temple worker. I don't know what I'm going to do with my free Thursday nights! Probably go to the temple. ;) Standing in initiatory last week, the power of what I was doing really hit me. It was overwhelming. The ordinance itself is quite profound and then to think that I was pronouncing those blessings on someone else with the authority I had been given by the temple president. It was really just so great. What a blessing the temple has been and continues to be in my life.

I also quit my second job at the fabric store which has freed up my nights. I will be moving to a new house in a couple weeks. Not a huge change, since it's just down the street, but a change none the less. I will also be moving the family ward in January. When you can't control the things you really want to change, you change all the other things that you can. Hopefully it brings new life and progress. I'm excited for a new year and new adventures.

Day 22 Para toda la vida

Spain- Espana

Siempre tendre un lugar en mi corazon por Espana y la gente que conoci alli. La mision, por lo mal o lo bien, cambia tu vida. Nunca tenia tantas dificultades con tanta gozo. Aprendiendo un indioma nuevo, viviendo en un pais nuevo, hablando con desconocidos, viviendo con una companera 24/7. Tiene cada emocion, normalmente en un dia. Y tanta como quieres la comida, la cultura, la paisaje, el clima, y la iluminación espiritual, lo que realmente quieres son la gente. Las personas que pasa por la calle, las con quien hable enfrente la tienda, los que ensene, los que te ensene, los investigadores, los companeros, sus vesinos y los miembros.

A todos los miembros, investigadores, desconocidos y companeras en Espana, os quiero. Gracias por dar me la oportunidad de venir a conocer a Jesu Cristo mediante conociendo a vosotros. Especialmente a Josi, Maria Luz, Napoleon, Solomon y Rocio, gracias por permetiendome compartir el testimonio mio. Y a todos, sus testimonios me fortalecieron. Tu bondad me levantó. Os echo de menos. Os quiero para toda la vida!

I will forever have  a place in my heart for Spain and the people I met there. A mission, whether you love it or hate it, changes your life. I have never had such a difficult time with so much joy. Learning a new language, living in a foreign country, talking to strangers, living with a companion 24/7. You experience every emotion, usually in the same day. And as much as you love the food, the culture, the scenery, the weather, the spiritual enlightenment, what you love the most is the people. The people you pass on the street, the ones you stop to talk to on a bench outside the store, the ones you teach, the ones who teach you, the investigators, the companions, the neighbors and the members.

To all the members, investigators, strangers and companions in Spain, I love you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come to know Christ through knowing you. Especially to Josi, Maria Luz, Napoleon, Solomon and Rocio, thank you for letting me share my testimony with you. And to everyone, your testimonies strengthened me. Your goodness lifted me. I miss you. I love you.

Day 21 Kristin

Kristin

The last roommate to have joined our house. She is wise beyond her years. Her love for Harry Potter rivals even that of Alyson and there have been many times I have overheard her talking to someone about Harry Potter and the things she says just crack me up. She is very goal oriented and detailed. Her aspirations in life are very humbling to me. She loves all things Avatar, Korra and Cupbop. I don't have any pictures with her but this roommate picture will do. I'm so glad to call her friend.