Olivia Fe

 I am the mother of a baby girl! Thursday the 25th of February we welcomed Olivia Fe into the world. Wednesday I was so sick with the flu. I could barely get out of bed and was puking all day. Lincoln and I watched a lot of TV. I was so thankful when mom got here. I was worried I wouldn't be able to have the baby the next day because of how sick I was, but by bedtime I was able to get up and move around without barfing. 

Thursday morning we were up bright and early to be in Ogden by 5:30. My doctor decided it would be better for me to deliver in Ogden in case there were any complications and we had to do a csection. Because of the fibroid, a csection would be much more complicated than the norm. He wanted to have another OB to help him and access to blood in case there were problems. Again, because of the fibroid. 

When I got all checked in, the checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3! They got me going on pitosin and we just sat around waiting. At 11 I was dilated to a 6 and they broke my water. I got an epidural shortly after. I told the guy that last time I had to get two epidurals because the first one didn't work so he said he would do his best to be one and done. We had a little problem with the epidural causing shooting pains down my leg, but he was able to fix that and then we were set. I dilated to an 8 in about an hour and was 80% effaced. Dr. Bailey was finishing up his last appointment and would be on his way. Dr. Murphy was on standby incase Dr. Bailey didn't make it. 

I went from an 8 to a 10 and 100% in about 37 seconds and was ready to push. I don't know how women have babies without epidurals because I had one and was still hurting. The called Dr. Murphy in and I was pushing that baby. My nurses were fabulous. I had two like last time. One training the other. The trainer was just amazing. You know they were chosen to train because they are just so great. There was also a paramedic student in there watching. At 12:37 our little Olivia made her entrance. She didn't cry. She was all purple and we were just waiting for her to fill those little lungs and make her presence known, but she didn't. She started breathing, but still didn't cry. She is so tiny compared to Lincoln and has SO MUCH HAIR. It's pretty long too. 

I am just so amazed at what my body is capable of. It grew a human. Twice! What a blessing to have a body. And what a blessing to be a mother. God has entrusted me with two of his children. It is my responsibility to teach them. To help them learn and know their Father in Heaven. I am truly grateful and terrified by his trust in me. 

My voice with the people

I have sat quietly this week, reading posts on both sides of the issue. I've been battling internally on where I stand and what I think. (this got real long, real fast. I didn't know I had so much to say.)
I'm reading the Come Follow Me lesson for this week and it says "There are likely many important issues facing your community. How can you, like the Nephites, make sure that your voice is included in 'the voice of the people?'"
Our world is a beautiful place. But it is also filled with ugliness. It is filled with privilege and poverty. The issue with racism is a complicated one. We have all been raised with bias. Sometimes we don't even recognize it. Sometimes we excuse it "it was a different time" "that's how I was raised" "it was just a joke".
Am I okay telling that to God?
The media for sure does not give a balanced report of things. I'm sure somewhere there was a black cop who killed a white guy and it didn't make the news. That is not the point. The point is there is a problem. And like it or not we are part of the problem and we need to be part of the solution. Is the media blowing things up? Maybe. But there is still a problem. Is rioting okay? No. Vandalism? No. But is it okay that people keep dying? An even bigger no. It doesn't matter who is dying. It's not okay. Black lives matter. They matter because all lives matter. Saying black lives matter doesn't take away from the value of anyone else.
I've thought before, they (who ever they may be) can get themselves out of their problems. They can work hard and find a job and get an education. This is true. They can. But I didn't consider a lot of things. I didn't understand privilege. Those things are harder to access. It's going to be much harder for them. I was born into privilege and those things were much easier for me to access. I lived in a two parent home, went to a safe public school, lived in a safe tiny town, never had to have a job to help my parents make the rent or put food on the table, etc.
They didn't choose to be born into the situation they were born. It's perpetuated through generations. Just like I have a mindset of work hard and make it because that's how I was raised, they might have a mindset of this is who I am and what I have and that's all there is. Because that's how they were raised. Good? Bad? Doesn't matter. Again it's a complicated problem and therefore complicated to solve.
We all have things that make life hard. But some people have a lot more things working against them. Should that be an excuse for them? No. But should that be an excuse for me or anyone else to turn a blind eye?
How do we break the cycle? How to we enact change?
My opinion, for what it's worth, is that we start at home. I think this is the solution for most of the problems in the world. Start at home. Teach your children morals and values. Teach your children that all lives matter. Don't let racial jokes and slurs pollute the air in your home. If your marriage is rocky, work on it. If you have a bad temper, work on it. If you are stressed out of your mind, find something to help still your mind and body. We have to ACT. We have to teach our children to ACT. We have to teach them to stand up and speak out. Be involved in your community. What are you doing to make it a better place? Teach them about how lucky they are to have been born into privilege. Ultimately we are all responsible for our actions, no matter the circumstances we were born into. But we ARE our brothers keeper. We DO have a responsibility to make sure our neighbors feel safe and ARE safe.
My "voice with the people" is that I want to be an active part of the solution instead of a silent part of the problem.

35 life lessons

Today is my 35th birthday. I've been on this earth learning and growing for 35 years. It's so weird to think about. I look at my baby and wonder what he will be doing and what he will be like in 35 years. What will he have learned and what will he be able to do.
So here are some lessons I've learned on my journey in life so far.

1-Life will never go how you think it should
2-That↑is usually a blessing
3-You can only control yourself
4-Your choices have consequences
5-It's worth the time to consider those consequences before you act
6-Kindness doesn't cost a thing
7-It's not always easy to be kind
8-It doesn't matter what other people think of you
9-It's hard to not think about what other people think of you
10-You can't please everyone
11-It's hard to be selfless
12-People can be very thoughtless and mean
13-Sometimes you are one of those ↑ people, be forgiving
14-God will always see you through whatever you are facing
15-It can be difficult to remember that God is with you and you'll make it through
16-Caring for people takes a lot of energy and is not always rewarded
17-You should care anyway
18-You have value no matter what you've done
19-Everyone else also has value not matter what they've done
20-Not everyone will love you
21-You don't have to love everyone
22-Rainy days come to everyone
23-Sunny days follow. When sun follows rain, there is usually a rainbow
24-Sticking to your goals is hard
25-Sticking to your goals will make you a better, stronger person
26-God's plan is always better than your plan
27-Sometimes you have to lower your expectations
28-Don't let your pride come between you and someone you love
29-Don't be afraid to apologize
30-Don't give up on people, persistence pays off
31-God and family are the most important people, if something is pulling you from either, fix it
32-If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree. This might be physical, mental, spiritual
33-Your body is amazing. Take care of it.
34-Running, music, naps, nature and crying are healing
35-No love is ever wasted

You knew what you were getting into

Anyone who has ever heard "you knew what you were getting into" can probably attest that in most cases, that is not even close to being true. I think it's safe to say that no one ever truly knows what they are getting into. They might have a pretty good idea, but there are just so many variables in life that we can't ever really know how things are going to go.
I have felt that way getting married and becoming a stepmom. When it's hard and I feel like I'm drowning, most people in my life don't understand. No one has actually said those words, but what they have said has implied that that is indeed what they are thinking. "Why are you having such a hard time, it's not like you didn't know it was going to be this way?" "But that's pretty typical right?"
I'm sure I'm reading into things more than they are actually present. I think a lot of people are good about giving me grace. Realizing that I will figure it out and what I'm saying may have not been well thought out. I appreciate those people. I am figuring it out. Where my sisters in law have had 13+ years to ease into dealing with teenagers, I was thrown into the arena. While they have a mothers love for their children and love them in spite of their awfulness, I have kids who are someone else's' kids and while I love them, it is not a mothers love. Kuddos to the stepmom who truly is able to love a stepchild with a mothers' love. You are lucky.
No one prepared me for that. I had no idea it would be this way.
My friend who has 4 girls and is dealing with a very emotional house of hormones, with one being especially troublesome, would surely not agree with anyone who said, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to have kids.
You don't know if your third kid is going to have a disability. You don't know if your 2nd child is going to have a traumatic brain injury, or get cancer, or have some degree of mental illness. You don't know those things when you decide to have a family. You literally have no idea what you are getting into. And you wouldn't think of saying that to someone. At least I hope you wouldn't. So why do we say that to step-parents? We have no way of knowing that in a year the ex-wife is going to decide to move thousands of miles away. We have no way of knowing when the ex is going to let her crazy shine bright. We have no way of knowing that the teenager is going to end up hating us, just because. Just like a traditional family, there are so many things that could happen, so many things that can change in an instant. Why do we expect them to have a better handle on it, just because they knew there were kids involved to begin with?
I truly appreciate those people who don't pretend to understand, but who listen. Who sympathize. Who try to imagine what it might be like. I'd say the best example is my mom. I have only felt supported and loved by her. She is always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when I know I'm being ridiculous. She validates my feelings. She shares her experiences that might be applicable. She encourages me to keep trying, to look at it in the big picture, to think about other points of view.
So I say to you, it's okay you didn't know what you were getting into. Most people, in most situations, don't have a clue what's coming. They don't know how hard it will be. They don't know how they will react. We are all just doing the best we can, with what we've been given.

Christmas Spirit

I've kind of felt like I lost my Christmas spirit lately. Our shopping is done. Our house is decorated. Neighbor gifts are delivered. Holiday movies, music and books abound. And yet I have felt myself dreading Christmas. Wishing it were over already. The discouragement and negativity have been disheartening. 

Yesterday was Christmas Sunday. We got dressed and ready for church. The baby pooped when I put him in his carseat. Pulled him out changed him. He pooped again as I put him back in his seat. We headed to church with poopy baby and only 5 minutes until church started. Church was only an hour. I headed straight for the bathroom with diaper, wipes and baby in hand. We walked in during the opening hymn. The meeting was filled with music from the primary choir as well as the ward choir. The Relief Society president and her husband were the speakers. 

She spoke about light. How we seek light in our lives. We need light to help us be productive. (Ever tried to get ready in the dark?) Plants need light to grow. We need light to help us be happy. Hurray for vitamin D! We need the light of Christ for those same things. He is the light that brings productivity, growth and happiness. He is the light that brings hope and peace. Comfort and guidance. He is the light. 

I was especially interested in what her husband would have to say. He’s an obstetrician and I figured he would talk about the birth of Christ. More than an obstetrician, he is my obstetrician. He delivered my baby. He started out with a fictional woman Sarah, pregnant with her first baby. In labor 18 hours, pushing for 2. Everyone anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new little spirit she was carrying. He asked her if this is the hardest thing she’s ever done. She responds with an emphatic yes! And then the veil thins and a new spirit enters the world. He talked about the mothers emotions, worried, nervous, then excited, relieved, and then filled with so much joy as tears spill down her cheeks and she meets her baby for the first time. Texts are sent out, Facebook and Instagram posts are made and maybe an actual phone call is placed as we spread the word of the new arrival.

 

I of course stood by the door bouncing my fussy baby, crying as he basically told the story of my labor and delivery. He then paralleled that with the birth of the baby Jesus. His mother tired and oh so pregnant. Joseph searching for some clean straw as he worked to keep the animals back. Mary laboring in a stable, nervous and worried. Excited and filled with joy and relief at the arrival. How would it be to know your baby would grow up to save mankind? I hope my baby grows up and doesn’t flip burgers for a living. 

How would it be to feel the burden of being the mother of the Savior of the world? I feel the burden of being the mother of an average little boy. I have never felt more connected and in awe of Mary as I do this year. As I think of my own emotions preparing to bring a little life into the world and imagining how she felt. 

There were no texts going out. No Facebook posts declaring his birth. No groups of relatives arriving at the hospital with well wishes. A simple star in the heavens. A few humble shepherds. And later the wisemen. It was a humble and simple beginning for a baby who would change the world. 

I am so grateful for Mary. For her courage, her goodness, her faith. I grateful for her gift to the world. For her little son he grew up to be my savior. 

I hope we can keep the focus and true spirit of Christmas as we are bombarded with the worldly. Pulled in every direction. Distracted from every side. Let us resolve to turn our focus to Him who brings light. To Him who is light. At Christmas and all through the year. 

So much to be grateful for

This month as I was thinking of gratitude I thought of the one person I am most grateful for.
Bryan
Then every day I wrote down a reason why I was thankful for him.

1. I'm thankful he dressed up in our family Halloween costume. 
2. I'm thankful he eats what I cook even when it isn't very good. 
3. I'm thankful for his cuddles.
4. I'm thankful he is involved in the finances of our family.
5. I'm thankful he feeds Lincoln. 
6. I'm thankful he is a hard worker. 
7. I'm thankful he is supportive of me.
8. I'm thankful he is concerned for me.
9. I'm thankful he goes on dates with me. 
10. I'm thankful he invites me to fast with him.
11. I'm thankful he encourages me to be healthy.
12. I'm thankful he asks me about my day even when he gets home late and is tired. 
13. I'm thankful he will stay home with Lincoln so I can substitute sometimes. 
14. I'm thankful he goes to the temple with me.
15. I'm thankful for small things he does for me, like pick out a leaf for my journal. 
16. I'm thankful he likes my parents. 
17. I'm thankful he worries about his kids. 
18. I'm thankful he likes Coke like I do. 
19. I'm thankful he watches shows with me. 
20. I'm thankful he encourages me to nurture relationships with my friends. 
21. I'm thankful for his affection. 
22. I'm thankful he is patient with people. (especially me)
23. I'm thankful he supports me in my hobbies. 
24. I'm thankful he asks me to help him with things. 
25. I'm thankful he likes the cold and I will never have to live in Arizona. 
26. I'm thankful he lets me know when he will be home later than normal. 
27. I'm thankful he plays with Lincoln. 
28. I'm thankful he lets me cry and listens to what is bothering me. 
29. I'm thankful he encourages me to support my family.
30. I'm thankful he gets out and play with his family and creates memories. 

I'm thankful that he loves me and he chose me and I'm so glad I chose him back. Life is not easy. No one is exempt from trials and hardships, but I have the best person beside me to see me through those hard times. I'm grateful for all the things he does for me and for our family. I couldn't have picked a better friend, father, lover, man, to help me through this journey of life. 

Summer anxiety

The formatting on this is stupid, but I was done trying to fix it.

I've never been one to have anxiety. Apparently it comes with

being a parent. Having step kids brought it a little, having my
own child brought it a lot more and the thought of having all 3
kids all summer next year fills me with all kinds of anxiety.
Bryan doesn't really understand and I don't really expect him
to. The thought of the kids being bored home with me makes
me want to die. I want them to have a fun summer and enjoy
being with us. He'll be at work a lot unlike this summer where
he was home for the entire month they were here for paternity
leave. I won't be able to hide myself away in my room with my
new baby and ignore the fact that they are on screens all day
every day. 

In an effort to combat the anxiety I've been thinking of a plan.
Being prepared helps me feel in control. If I plan on not letting
them be on screens all day every day I want to have fun
productive things for them to do. I realize that this will be better
in my head than in the actual application, but at least I have
put in the time and effort. 

I'm planning on having a must do list for them every day. 

-make your bed

-clean your room

-read 20 minutes

-do your chore (whatever that is)

-work in the garden x number of minutes

Then they can have 2 hours of screen time. Past that they will

have to earn time or they can earn money. I'll have a can with
different color coded tasks on Popsicle sticks worth a different
amount of points. I had been thinking about this a lot and then
the new youth program cam out and I felt like my thoughts went
right along with what they were presenting so there will be 4
categories physical, intellectual, spiritual, social. The kids are
not required to do any specific color, but some tasks are worth
more points than others. I haven't figured out the point system.
I want to talk to Bryan about how much "allowance" they can
earn and go from there to work the points into that. 

I'm hoping they will find activities they like and try new things.
They will move their bodies and their brains and not just their
thumbs. I want to make sure this is well organized so it has a
better chance at success. That's one of the reasons I've started
so early. 

I've been brainstorming ideas for a 13 year old boy and 15 year
old girl. I want to give them a variety of choices. I'm going to
have them give input and be involved. I'm hoping to work on
some of this over Spring Break when they are here. Maybe
even get their cousins involved. You know the whole buy-in
thing. I'll have them create a couple lists. 

Goals, travel bucket list, life bucket list, summer bucket list
(I really like bucket lists).  

I want our family to spend quality time together and really
form bonds and create good memories. I want the kids to look
forward to coming to visit and be able to look back someday
and recognize that we really wanted them with us and we
tried to make it fun and memorable. 

Here are the things I've thought of so far. (Thank goodness for

the internet) Not everything fits into a category perfectly, it's
definitely still a work in progress. If you have anything you
would add, I'd love for you to share in the comments. 

Intellectual (skills) 

1. Photography
2. Build a Ukulele and learn to play it
3. Draw
4. make jewelry
5. Find their own DIY project and make a list of materials needed. (Complete the project)
6. paint a phone case
7. Do a science project
8. Create a block set for Lincoln
9. Work on a puzzle
10. painting
11. learn to code (saw a kit for this on someone's Instagram)
12. puppetry (create a set, puppets and writ e a play)
13. carpentry (nothing fancy, just giving them some nails and wood)
14. Graffiti (I want to make some kind of fence thing they can spray paint on)
15. doodle
16. Write a play and act it out (this one might take some planning so they have more than just the 2 of them to be in it)
17. Write to a pen pal (hopefully they have friends in Washington they could write to. I know letters are SO old fashioned)
18. Write a story
19. String art 
20. Do movie reviews (bonus if they create a set)
21. Create a pinterest board
22. create a blog
23. Listen to a podcast (I need to make a list of kid friendly podcasts)
24. Paint rocks (they love to do this at the cabin)
25. duct tape art
26. work in the garden
27. Shrink art
28. Origami
29. Make a comic strip
30. Polymer clay sculpting (My mom does this. I'll need to check if she has a book or something. Maybe check at the library. This could also go with the jewelry and they can make their own beads)
31. Plan and make a meal
32. Make homemade ice cream
33. learn to decorate cake or cookies (my friend does cookie classes and I think it would be fun to do this with all the girl cousins. Drop Ethan and Lincoln off with Jill and take the girls to the class. 
34. Bake something
35. learn to make candles
36. learn to grill
37. learn to knit
38. learn to crochet
39. learn to juggle
40. learn a magic/card trick
41. learn to sew
42. learn calligraphy
43. learn an instrument
44. learn/practice a language

Physical

1. Hiking (plan a hike)
2. Swimming (plan a swim trip)
3. Geocaching (I did this on a date and it was fun. I'll need to look up good resources and see if there is even anything) 
4. in our area)
5. Go for a walk
6. Go for a bike ride
7. Play a sport

Social

1. -Volunteer (animal shelter) I need to look into community opportunities
2. -Join a club
3. -Play a board game
4. -Plan a picnic
5. -Plan a movie marathon (what movie, when, food, invites?)
6. -Have a water fight
7. -Choose a community event to attend
8. -Create a scavenger hunt
9. -Read to Lincoln
10. -Serve a neighbor

Spiritual

1. Write in your journal (gotta find some good journal prompts)
2. Plan a trip to the temple
3. Read a conference talk
4. Read the scriptures for 10 minutes
5. Make a card and send it to someone
6. Plan and give an FHE
7. Index names

Misc.

1. Bird watching
2. Wash the car
3. play with sidewalk chalk  
4. color 
5. Plan a camping trip
6. Fly a kite

Family Activities-obviously a lot of these could be family activities

1. Flea market flip (HGTV show DIY DI flip competition)
2. Color me mine
3. Bowling
4. Movies
5. Lagoon
6. Vacation